#i've been more productive this past week than the entire year

[malusokay]

Little things that improved my life 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Accepting my sleep schedule. I'm a night owl; I focus at night, I'm calm at night, I'm motivated at night. For a long time, I tried to fight this since everyone always preaches getting up early, but since I started accepting my natural sleep schedule, I've been feeling a lot better and have become way more productive.

"drink more water". TEA. Tea is the secret here. I will be honest, I hate drinking water; it doesn't matter if I have a cute water bottle or a cute glass, I still hate it. TEA.

Replying quickly. I used to be one of those people who get a text message and think, "Oh, I'll reply to that later", and then just forget about it entirely. Now, I text back as soon as I see the message. This has not only improved my texting anxiety (which I cause on my own by now replying and then feeling bad) but also deepened my connection to my friends. <3

Keeping my circle small and being okay with that. Over the past months, I've had this sudden urge to expand my social circle and get to know more and more people, especially after I moved in August. However, this quickly ended in what I like to call my "social burnout". I was tired, annoyed, and overwhelmed. It took a few weeks for it to settle, but I've come to the conclusion that I would much rather have a smaller circle of people who I trust and love deeply than a huge group of friends, and that's totally okay.

Wearing what I like. Even though I live in a big city, I'd still say that my style can sometimes be a bit more extravagant than what most people wear, another point is that I'm very uncomfortable with pants so I only wear skirts, which is also considered a bit odd where I live. But over the past years, I've come to accept that and have become so sure of myself and found such comfort in my style that I now just wear whatever I like, and it makes every day a little bit nicer.

Reading and writing for pleasure. Reading books outside of my studies and spending time researching topics that simply interest me is such a great way to calm your mind. Same for writing, I always like to say that to write is to think; putting your thoughts on paper in cohesive and well-crafted sentences that you can then reread and think over again is such a liberating thing to do.

Reaching out more. fuck the whole "double texting" and "no contact" thing. If you want to speak to someone because they mean something to you, then just do it. Unless they specifically asked for space, you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to be in touch with them. Many even really appreciate it when you show that you truly care. Let's stop the nonchalant act, and instead, let's face deep emotions and true vulnerability. <3

As always, please feel free to share your own little insights and things that helped you improve comments! <3

my insta: @ malusokay

love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[genericpuff]

holy crap okay so

I'm two episodes into Kaos

normally I keep my expectations pretty minimal because, let's be real, the Internet - and especially Tumblr - has a tendency to severely overhype new series to be way better than they actually are and it often leaves me sitting there like "that's it? that's what people were freaking out over for weeks?? that was just a bunch of cheap ships and tropes that i've seen 123785902380 times before" LMAO

BUT thankfully compared to other series like Hazbin Hotel and The Amazing Digital Circus, I haven't been worn out on excessive fandom exposure prior to watching Kaos, so I didn't really know what to expect going in besides what folks have told me so far - it's a modern-day Greek epic, and it stars Jeff Goldblum as Zeus (which is, unsurprisingly, peak casting).

That said, I'm very pleased to say that so far, the show is absolutely blowing me away. The set designs, characterizations, weaving of all the players into a central narrative led by a very coy narrator, all of it feels both refreshing and respectful to the source material at the same time.

so uh yeah that LO animated TV show... we have reason to believe now that it's gotten picked up by Amazon Prime, at least according to the showrunner's LinkedIn and posting history from February of this year that seems to imply LO may have been picked up by Amazon-

(but still, nothing's really been confirmed because they're being so tight-lipped about this you'd almost think it's because there isn't a show happening at all cough)

But even then, that means at best we still won't see anything of the LO TV show adaption for another 2-3 years, depending on how production goes.

Why am I talking about LO right now? Well it should be obvious - Kaos double-whammied LO by beating it to the punch at its own game.

I mean, just look at the creative choices alone in the design of the Underworld and its rulers, our beloved Hades and Persephone.

And yes, the entire Underworld is color-graded like this, something so simple and yet effective in communicating the nature of the Underworld and what it stands for - a place where the past lives on through the dead, paused in time, devoid of the vibrant color grading found in Olympus - or "Olympia" as its been named in this retelling - which is, by the way, a visual treat to take in every time it's featured.

(and yes, that is S-tier-companion Billie Piper on the left, but I will not tell you who she's playing, you actually really should go into this show as blind as possible for the thrill of figuring out these characters as they're introduced <3)

That's not even getting into the narrative structure of the plot itself or the phenomenal casting and acting, but again, I don't want to spoil too much as the show is quite new, and I want to actually finish watching the show myself before I get more into the details of its story and how it delivers it (I'm very much hoping I will still be singing this show's praises at the end of its 8 episodes, please for the love of god don't jump the shark, I don't think my heart can take that kind of pain again.)

All that's to say though, Kaos is, so far, exactly what us disappointed fans of LO deserve after all these years, and frankly, I feel like whatever is coming for the LO animated TV show is really gonna have to step up to the plate to both live up to the bar that Kaos has set as well as stand on its own without being affiliated as a cheap Amazon knockoff living in its shadow. Sounds a little familiar and a bit ironic, doesn't it?

[larkingame]

hello all! been a moment since we last discussed some things, so I'm coming online to discuss the progress of Larkin's development and make a few announcements :)

over the last ten months, larkin has gone through a lot of changes, some of which I've documented here--but most of it I've kept pretty private. I realized that over the few short years I've been developing the game, I sort of grew an unhealthy dependence on my presence within the 'interactive fiction' community that I really, really needed to take a step back from and break, all in order to ensure that I could enjoy working on what originally started out as a passion project for me.

since july of last year, I've completely reshaped and rewritten how larkin exists as a project, shifted it's genre and started collaborating with a few others to ensure it can be of the highest quality it can possibly be. uptop, i'd like to mention @tapeworrmart who's taken on the immense task of putting together most of the game art for me, @khiita and @ann1a-1 who have both taken on the roles of my editors (and also sounding boards for when I am being absolutely insane) and my production manager phillip, who without his assistance, larkin would barely exist. with that, let's do a progress report. the intended demo of larkin, or what i've taken to calling 'episode one' (yes, i said, 'episode,' more on that in a minute) has stretched to just over 200k words worth of content. it stretches all the way from the earliest versions of larkin's original prologue, to the end of the original chapter two. so far, we've completed 3 out of the intended 20 character portraits, as well as some more art that's slowly been in development.

now, on to the announcements. probably the biggest, and the one I am most ashamed of is--due to the fact that I've been slammed with graduate school work and some other external factors, Larkin as it currently exists is not the best that I think it can be. I'm deeply sorry for this, but I want to ensure that you all are getting the highest quality game you could get from me--and right now, I know it's just not that. Which is why I am unfortunately, pushing the release of the demo back until Friday, June 14th, 2024. Patrons will be granted access to the most recent edit of the demo two weeks earlier on Friday, May 31st 2024. In the meantime, I will be working day and night (quite literally) to get what I'm dropping on you up to par and something that I'm happy with.

To make up for this disappointment, I'm planning on repopulating the blog with a lot of content over the coming months, rewriting new versions of old asks, posting art and short stories.

Next on the agenda and also an equally important announcement. I'm changing the rating of Larkin to Mature or 18+ As I've been writing these past few months, working through a lot of themes and figuring out the story I want to tell, I've found that I think the change in rating is entirely necessary. While I don't think I've ever had that big of a minor fanbase--I think that this is just what I am most comfortable doing. There has consistently grown a little bit more of gore, and trauma exploration, which is the main reason for this change in rating, but, this does allow for the inclusion of something that I've been toying with since the intial release of the game. There is going to be explicit sex scenes in this new version of Larkin--all of which, you the player are able to opt out of, or completely avoid if that's something you want--but I just thought a little announcement would be warranted. This does not mean however, I am comfortable with answering thoroughly explicit asks or getting unsolicited sexual messages. The goal is to keep this game blog mainly tame.

Please respect this boundary of mine.

Third thing to be announced. I've also changed the format in which Larkin will be released. Rather than around the twenty-five chapters in one of a series of 'Books'/'Games', Larkin will be released episodically over four 'seasons' with eight-ten episodes of around 200k-250k words each (though, this is just an early estimate--they could grow longer, as I'm basing this purely off the demo/Episode One)

Finally and a little bit of a fun note: there are now twelve romance options throughout larkin, five male, three female, one non-binary and three gender-selectable. With those upcoming asks, you'll hear more about each in the coming days :)

With all that being said, I wanted to lastly thank all of you for supporting me over the years and putting faith and your interest in this project. truly, the support of all of you means the world to me and I can't wait to share more of larkin with you all.

thank you 💖

[utilitycaster]

what are those 5 things? 👀

Seeing people start admit that maybe Imogen and Laudna did in fact pressure Fearne excessively hard to take the shard. I think it's good Fearne took it in the end, but yeah they really made it difficult for her to express her doubts and that was shitty of them. I got extensive hate for saying that at the time from people who are literally saying the same thing now. It's very funny.

The (entirely valid) complaints I've seen that people care more about imo/dna as a ship than Laudna as a character and are making her book solely about the fact that Imogen will show up in it. I pointed out this exact same problem occurring while Laudna was dead, almost two years ago.

Caleb considering leaving the Nein means they aren't really bonded. Imogen considering leaving Bells Hells means she's so perfect and caring and selfless and noble and good. Anyway yeah sure I definitely believe that if Imogen were a man played by Liam everyone would definitely be totally uncritical and love everything she did. (This is also a layered one, given how Twitter has been bashing Orym nonstop for over a year).

I know it's been a month and I've said this repeatedly so this is a bit tacky but I'm still riding the absolute Irony High of people being like "STOP TALKING ABOUT HUBRIS STOP TALKING ABOUT HUBRIS anyway of COURSE Bells Hells would NEVER see the gods as a messed up family, just like them" and then jump cut to Laudna literally saying that. It's just genuinely so funny that people mad at everyone calling Aeor full of hubris proceeded to get their wax wings straight up vaporized at the top of episode 102.

People calling imo/dna the bestest most organic most slow-burn sapphic ship ever (it's not even the longest slow-burn f/f ship on Critical Role; even if you're stupid enough to count the two years we know virtually nothing about just for the purposes of padding out the time to eliminate Beauyasha on a technicality - nevermind that slowburn is about the length of the story itself and not the length of time the characters have known each other, since it's obvious that if someone said 'here's Jane and Kate, they've known each other for 300 years, now they are kissing' this would not be a satisfying slowburn unless like, you went back and filled in the 300 years - Kimallura STILL wins) but as someone who received a decent amount of harassment for saying it wasn't very interesting and as such kept tabs on the people engaging in that harassment...they've been dropping like flies. If it's the best sapphic ship ever and it's canon and you're in the top 5 ships for the show of all time on ao3 and Delilah's gone and they're going to get their cottage, funny how a good chunk of the shippers haven't even managed to stay interested in CR. Also why are half the people who HAVE kept up like hmmmm what if I threw Fearne or Ashton in there. Like believe me, I support a poly hells situation, but uh. quite a tumble for what people used to call the Beating Heart Of The Campaign (TM).

Bonus! This is below a cut because it has spoilers for next week's Re-Slayer's Take that's only out for Beacon subscribers but

we see Devexian, and he meets Frog (an aeormaton PC) and his overall statement on Aeor is "it created us to serve, and we fought for our autonomy. It was both a beautiful and terrible place. Anyway the past is past, what's important is that we as aeormatons take our chance to live now, and my personal goal is not just to bring back as many aeormatons as I can, but learn how to make more aeormatons." He is completely uninterested, at least in 839 PD, in any sort of action against the gods. Like, I think he regrets the fall of Aeor because a lot of Aeormatons and knowledge died in it but he literally is like "your life is defined by your own choices, not your designation at the time of Aeor." The actual survivors of the fall of Aeor are like anyway, we want acceptance, autonomy, and the means to control our own production in modern day Exandria. Ludinus whomst.

[ducktracy]

i hope you dont mind me asking; but do you have any general tips for getting into/starting storyboarding? or anything on fighting perfectionism when you draw??? im having a hard time just actually drawing to begin with because of it and its gotten worse and worse recently and its just... really disheartening ghsjdkmgs- ive been combing through bsky for production art for the day the earth blew up and looking through storyboards in general has always really inspired me; the way that it doesnt Need to be perfect and just needs to like, convey the absolute basics and get the idea across has always been really comforting in a weird roundabout way? if that makes sense hdsjkmgsd-

HEY THERE!! i don't mind at all, i'm so flattered you'd come to me!

to answer the first part of your question, i'm going to link to some posts (here and here) where i've answered the same question. NOT because i don't respect your time (trust me, i hate being like "eh just go with all the others and look at this" LOL), but because i trust Past Me to have answered it a bit more clearly and clearheadedly than Present-Me, who would just be rambling trying to think of what Past Me has said. so i hope these are helpful!

THE SECOND PART OF YOUR QUESTION! you are both asking the right and wrong person, because i struggle TREMENDOUSLY with this as well! right in that i can offer empathy/share my experiences, wrong in that i still don't quite have a cure-all and it's something i'm struggling with right at this very second :')

but, as someone with debilitating OCD and perfectionism (to the point where it extends to even the most inconsequential of tasks and habits completely unrelated to art--even/especially things i enjoy doing!!), i struggle HARD with this. and my director turned me onto a bit of a lifesaver that's streamlined my storyboarding process tremendously: THE CHICKEN SCRATCH METHOD.

it's exactly as it sounds. just churn out the quickest, most juvenile scribbles imaginable. you're not thinking about drawing at all. it's just to get something down on paper--starting is always one of the most difficult parts for me, and once i have something down, even if it is GODAWFUL, i feel like i've broken the ice a bit and can carve deeper.

i'm linking (and posting screenshots) from this WIP animatic i posted last week--more than half of it is chickenscratch, and me doing exactly what i do for work! this is how i start every single storyboard. complete 4 year old level scribbles. even Porky here is a bit too fancy, you can see i gave him (and Daffy's face) construction lines out of habit haha. you don't need to do that yet!!

but, also, you can see that earlier on in the animatic, where i've begun to clean it up (i call them "drawovers"), it looks like my normal art style!

i also again recommend actually watching the video, because the motion is the important thing here--you can see how articulated my drawovers are in drawing and acting in comparison to the chickenscratch bits, which are a bit more broad but still convey a general idea

what i also tend to do is chickenscratch my chickenscratches--for my boards, i usually will doodle the broad acting ideas elsewhere, and then transfer those ideas onto my board. it helps with that feeling of easing in and doesn't make me feel as suffocated by a blank screen. i will say that i've been working on excising this process entirely, as it's sort of unnecessary and maybe more of an omission of my own lack of artistic confidence HAHA--i'm trying to get there! but it helps with the artistic brain demons and makes getting started easier, and that's the important thing

and, again, these are a bit fancier than what i usually do: here's some old thumbs for an actual section i boarded for work

it's also very good for someone like me--i'm an extraordinarily detail-oriented person, but i really struggle with the bigger picture. this commonly bites me in the butt when i'm storyboarding, as sometimes i have difficulty visualizing how a sequence will flow in the grand scheme of things. and since my entire job is being An Artist Who Draws Images In Sequential Order, That Go Into A Sequence, That Relies On Every Little Part To Be Working, Because It Is A Sequence, that's not very good! and so chicken scratch helps exactly with that. you're communicating the main idea. you're putting the foundation down, and you're able to get a vague idea of how the ideas and sequences flow together.

HOWEVER. i will say that's about the most advice i can give before it delves into "if you find the answer, lemme know" HAHA. my boards for work are stupidly clean and should not be as stupidly clean as they are. it's something i've been trying to work on for years--i still struggle with getting into board artist/animator brain vs illustrator brain, and a lot of times i'll have a very pretty drawing, but it isn't functional at all and i'll have to throw it out. and it's my own fault! THIS IS SUCH A HARSH METAPHOR and i said it once to my director before being like "wait wow wtf is wrong with me for saying this" LMAO but it's still the most apt way i can describe it. clearly gotta work on my artistic confidence. but in regards to this, i've said "a polished turd is still a turd" and there is hopefully a much kinder way of getting that point across, but yes--clean drawings are not the end all and be all of boarding and animation! in fact, in my experience, they cause more harm than good! i've been trying very hard to unlearn it, it's been a very difficult and taxing and frustrating process that's soured a lot of my already meager artistic confidence--but that means i'm growing and learning.

a common mantra we try to recite is "clear, not clean". and the TDTEBU boards (which, aren't they amazing??) is the very definition of that! i'm trying to beat that into myself more and more. likewise, working on the Sponge shows is a bit of a special circumstance since the animators directly trace off of our boards; what we draw is what ends up on screen. that includes mistakes. there's definitely a higher amount of pressure, especially compared to feature boarding where there seems to be a lot more leeway for looseness. so i'm maybe coming from SOMEwhere here HAHA, but yes, clear, not clean!!

i say all of this knowing i'm going to clean up my pig and duck animatic and have it be as clean as my boards for work, sort of defeating the entire purpose :') i still have a lot to learn and internalize, obviously! but i hope this at least offers some camaraderie and the understanding that you are NOT ALONE! i struggle with Perfectionism Paralysis with every single task i ever do, i'm much less fond of my art than i come off, etc... but i'm working on it and i know we'll both do great!!!

i hope this could be helpful, or at least reassuring!! thank you so much for coming to me, and i wish you the best of luck! you've got this!!

[megumi-fm]

this fortnight in megumi.fm ▸ bye bye march👋

ft. unchecked ambition to recreate of the hardest Kpop dances (only in vain), lots of code debugging, and using Yeolpumta the wrong way

💻 Internship // progress tracker

-> detecting pockets in protein structures using 3diff pipelines -> finding consensus pockets using outputs of pipelines -> pocket alignment of protein models by structural alignment with a set of known binding site structures -> read base paper -> weekly presentations [2/2] besides these tasks I've been trying to modify all my code files such that they can run directly from the system terminal (i hate edge cases and this entire process has taken years off my life) so that I can upload it on github

🎓 Uni Stuff

-> charted out a timeline for master's applications deadlines and related work

👟 Kpop dances!!

completed! 🔥bye bye ankles ⇒ I'd started this way before I messed up my ankle and then I abandoned it but we are so back... I picked it up last week and finally! it is done. 💪 bts' magnum opus ⇒ the main challenge is ensuring to hit every beat at the right speed and my rendition is still far from refined but hey. atleast my moves have developed some fluidity currently <3 🧢 left, right and just vibes ⇒ really needed a breather after the first two dances and now I'm here xD although the main reason I picked this dance was bc I loved the part switch version and all the references // ✅chorus + prechorus ⚡ crush...ing my motivation ⇒ so much for taking a breather. I've been obsessed with this song and I tried to start learning it and... four seconds- that's how much I've learnt in past three days. but the satisfaction when I got those four seconds? immeasurable. // ✅1st chorus pt1/3

💿 Other Things This week

📅 started my 18day habit challenge! by which I simply mean I'm using Yeolpumta as a daily tracker app rather than a study app and I'm loving it <3 I get excited seeing different colours marked on the daily calendar and as a consequence I've been more productive lately :D 🍊 been eating healthier! lots of fruit and water intake and I've also been learning to cook! 📖 The Myth of Sisyphus <3 I don't read a lot of non fiction but this piece is hella intruiging and I'm having a lot of fun 🍕 Lunch with the besties [x2] 🎰 Gaming Arcade shenanigans yet again 🎆 Fest at Uni! One of the best bollywood singers of all time showed up and he sang bangers from our childhood; we had a blast 🎧 lots and lots of kpop and for some reason I keep coming back to Advice by Taemin

[ 18th - 31st Mar; week 13+14/52 || and with that, 1/4th of this year is done. I'm pretty satisfied with how I how i spent the past two weeks, hopefully I'm able to stay consistent 🤞]

[porcupine-girl]

I realized today that I've been blaming my writing going all to hell on covid. And that's definitely part of it - wisps of brain fog always linger for several weeks afterward, and I find it significantly harder to think of the word I mean for things than it was a couple of years ago.

But I realized today that something else happened at the same time:

I got covid for the first time in July 2022.

And my kid went into 7th grade a month and a half later.

Why is this significant?

Because 7th grade meant switching from elementary to middle school. And while the elementary school had an after school program that meant he got home between 5-5:30pm, the middle school had no such program. He stayed after for clubs, but they were only twice a week for an hour, and not the entire school year. They usually didn't start til October and ended in April.

My brain does not turn on properly until 2-3pm most days. This is just how it works. When I was in grad school (before having a kid, and when my husband lived in another city), I would go to campus and work 3pm-10pm many days, it was great. That is perfect.

Having a kid fucked this up, because suddenly my most productive time of day is filled with dinner and bedtime and such. When he started elementary school with this after school program, that helped because at least I had 2-3 hours a day after my brain turned on and before he got home.

Suddenly middle school is here, and he started getting home by 3:30, 4:30 when he had clubs (which again, was not most days). So suddenly I went from 2-3 hours of work time to an hour at most, and sometimes even when I thought I'd get that hour he'd show up at 3:30 because robotics club got cancelled.

Now high school is the same way - thankfully, his bus ride takes a while (he rode his bike the half mile to the middle school), so even though they get out at 2:30 he doesn't get home until 2:55. But this means I have no work time at all before he gets home and I have to start keeping on top of him to get homework done and practice cello and etc etc etc. The one extracurricular he's done so far, film crew, hasn't even been after school! First they were meeting from 7-9fuckingPM three days a week, then the past few weekends they've been filming 8am-5pm Saturdays & Sundays. Which means I do get time without him on the weekends, but my husband is home and sometimes he's even not working and expects me to do things with him because it's the only chance we get, since he's working most evenings.

So anyhow. I knew this was annoying, but I only realized today how bad it was because I was actually up and medicated and showered and dressed before 2pm (this is a constant struggle on days I don't teach, once again I'd been getting it under control and then covid hit), but I had trouble getting anything done 2-3pm because of the whole but he'll be home in less than an hour, whatever I do I'll have to stop in less than an hour thing that you KNOW renders many of us with ADHD completely useless. And this was the first time I realized that I lost those vital 2-3 work hours every weekday at the exact same time I got covid the first time, and I think that has impacted me more than I'd even realized.

ETA: I should mention that before I got covid the first time, I was actively preparing to query agents for some picture books, as well as about halfway through a middle grades novel, and had published two articles in kids' magazines and was actively querying to get more. Aside from the way my fanfic output has slowed to a trickle, I have made almost NO progress on ANY of these professional writing attempts. What time I do manage to spend on work stuff, I have to use on teaching, because shit will actually happen if I don't get teaching stuff done while if I don't get writing done absolutely nothing happens.

[queermania]

okay i know i owe a few people updates on the rosacea products i'm trying but i don't remember who i've told what, so here is an overall rundown:

(for reference i have type 1 rosacea and probably ocular rosacea as well [i have upcoming appointments with both my dermatologist and an opthamaologist to confirm and treat]. prior to this i had fairly dry skin but never had any problems with acne or flushing/blushing.)

vanicream: i'm still using the vanicream cleanser. it hasn't caused any problems at all for me so i'm not messing with it. it is, however, definitely not strong enough to remove makeup or sunscreen.

skin1004 madagascar centella toning toner: the first couple of times i used it my skin got so visibly better that i kind of couldn't believe it. the next few times it was a toss up whether it would make my skin better or worse. i stopped using it for about a week and then slowly worked it back in. it's definitely making my skin as a whole better, but i'm not sure if it's helping the rosacea specifically and sometimes it feels like it's making it worse, but it always calms down by the morning.

prescription azelaic acid: i think it's helping with the rosacea. it's definitely not hurting it and it makes my skin smoother in general. i've read that it can cause itching though and i definitely have an itching problem. so i'm hoping once i get my skin barrier fixed that won't be a problem anymore.

skin1004 madagascar centella probio-cica intensive ampoule: same situation as with the toner; the first couple of times it was like a miracle and then my skin kind of went crazy and it became a toss-up whether or not it would help or make it worse. i stopped using it when i initially stopped using the toner but i haven't added it back in yet. i will eventually though.

procure rosacare hyaluronic hydrogel: i love this product. it has never once made my rosacea worse and it's the only "moisturizer" that doesn't feel like wax on my skin. i'm not sure that it actually treats the rosacea in any way but the green tint helps reduce the appearance of the redness and in general it helps keep my skin from feeling tight. plus it's relatively cheap.

procure rosacare serum: i've tried this as an actual part of my routine on and off over the past year and i don't think it makes a difference? but! if i'm having trouble with flushing/heat, it works temporarily to relieve that. definitely more of a rescue medication so to speak (but also i've learned that a low dose of aspirin works fairly well also).

nizoral anti-dandruff shampoo: so apparently rosacea can cause dandruff on your face? if your skin is flaky/peeling but it's oily, you have dandruff. i genuinely cannot tell if i have that problem. my skin will be oily one day and then dry as the sahara the next but i figured i'd try it anyway. i can't tell if it's actually helping but when i use it, my skin immediately feels the softest it's felt in over a year. so i've been using it every three days after the vanicream.

vanicream moisturizing cream: it doesn't make anything worse but it doesn't make it any better either. and it makes my skin feel so waxy which i hate so much.

honest company hypoallergic diaper rash cream: didn't make anything worse but didn't make anything better either and the sensation of having it on my skin made me want to claw my face off. it's so oily??

cetaphil redness relieving night moisturizer: HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. this is, hands down, the worst thing i've ever put on my skin in my entire life. it immediately turned my entire face red and hot and caused a huge rosacea flare-up that took days to calm down even a little bit. this product is my arch nemesis and i will never go near it again.

for the ocular rosacea, i've used ocusoft wipes, optase tea tree oil cleansing gel, and the optase hypochlorous acid spray. none of them seem to work any better than just using vanicream, and the optase actively dries my eyelids out. but i have read that hypochlorous acid might be good if you have both rosacea and acne prone skin, so if that applies to you, it might be worth looking into.

other important things: i've found that using any of these products more than once a day is too much. i'm only using them at night (the only exception being that i use the vanicream to wash my eyelids twice a day). i've also tried a prescription sulfur wash and miconozale in the past with no real luck but i'm not sure i gave either of them enough of a chance so as of right now i have no thoughts on them.

at some point i'm going to try the aveeno calm+restore triple oat serum and the beauty of joseon cleansing balm. i'll let y'all know how that goes.

if any other rosacea sufferers want to add to this with the things they've tried and how it went, feel free. <3

[thecurioustale]

My New Book Is Out! | Tokens of Zeal

My new book is out!

Buy it! Buy it now!

That's right: In secret, on January 2 of this year I began writing a book of essays. Some of you may know that I have an online journal, which I created in the summer of 2003 when I was just 21 years old and have kept up with ever since. For my new book I went back to the journal and read through it, entry by entry, drawing out excerpts of interest that became conversation pieces for 81 various and sundry essays reflecting on my past life and past thoughts.

The essays are short, often very short. They are less challenging than my usual writing, I would say. My purpose was not to advance my personal frontier of philosophy and intellectual thought in 2024, or to reach a niche audience of deep thinkers, but instead to reflect sincerely on some things I've seen along the way and muse upon how my thoughts have changed and stayed the same over twenty years.

I mention this to you because I am a bit worried that anyone who reads this book might think there's not much to me as an author, and might be dissuaded from reading my works of fiction when those books eventually come out, so I'll lampshade that by adding that I wrote this book in two-and-a-half months. Make of that what you will. I told myself I wouldn't self-sabotage the book by needlessly saying negative things about it, and I am proud of it, not only the fact that I finished it at all, let alone so quickly, but of the actual contents too.

This book is "Volume 1" in a hypothetical series, as it doesn't cover the entire twenty years of the journal but only the first four months, from August to November of 2003—at which point the essays had reached "book length" (lol). So really this book is a snapshot of my life in the latter half of 2003. At that time, I was fading out of college due to financial hardship and other issues, and did not realize that I would never (as yet) return.

I have been wanting for years to go back and reread my journal, and writing a book out of it was the perfect impetus to finally do it. I think a few things stand out about the Josh of 2023:

First, my principles have remained remarkably consistent, but my awareness and understanding of the world has grown drastically, and so those same principles have led me over time to some different policy views and worldviews on some things.

Second, I was a 21-year-old arrogant block of cheese, full of hormones and self-conviction, and that definitely shows up at times in ways that I simultaneously am not proud of and yet which I admire for their sheer gall. There is something very magnetic about the old me which doesn't exist anymore.

Third, following up on that point, it was pretty inspiring and encouraging to revisit the old me, with all that native optimism and drive. I don't express those qualities anymore because life has worn me down and also because I have come to recognize that humanity's problems are a lot more stubborn and irremediable than I thought. By glimpsing into the past, I couldn't help but be cheered on by the old Josh's proud, utopian sense of human inevitability. It lifted my own spirits in the here and now!

I made the mistake of announcing the book on Patreon right after I finished writing it, i.e. back in mid-March. Then I had to wring my hands every week about how post-production was taking longer than expected. Between the irritating realities of formatting a book in software not properly equipped to format a book (never write a book in Google Docs), the complexities of my detail-oriented manner and strong vision regarding the cover design (and engaging for the first time ever with modern generative AI, and having to learn those ropes), and sustaining illnesses and other life priorities and so on, it would take me another two months in all to finally reach today, where I can now publicly declare:

The book is done! It is for sale right now. It is called:

Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age

(Caption: Book front cover of Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age, by Joshua Calars.)

You can buy it through Amazon in either paperback or e-book format. (I recommend the paperback version for aesthetics as it is much truer to my design vision for the book's layout and appearance, but my profit margin is actually a dollar bigger with the e-book version, so really just go with whichever version you prefer.) It is available in the US as well as in basically all the other countries that Amazon has expanded its publishing service into. If you need help finding a link to a particular version, give me a ping and I will point you there (if there is a "there" to be pointed to). This is my second published book, following Prelude to After The Hero in 2015, and the first book to be published in print.

If you do read it, first of all thank you! It's an honor that you would take the time. Second of all, I would love any feedback you care to offer. That's not a platitude either; feedback is hard to come by and I really would be interested in anything you have to say, good or bad. You can e-mail me, DM, reblog this, drop an ask, or tag me in an independent post. Whatever you like! Feedback will help me greatly when I eventually get around to writing Volume 2. And feel free to leave a review on Amazon, whether good or bad (though hopefully you enjoy the book); I am told it pleases The Algorithm. But most of all, if you enjoy the book, tell someone about it! Your word-of-mouth is currently 100 percent of my advertising budget, lol.

That's all. I wrote a book; it took four-and-a-half-months; it's done now; and it's the first time I've ever gotten to hold a book that I wrote in my hands as a physical thing, and that's pretty neat.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Looking back on 2024

It was a pretty tough year for me. Every year is pretty tough but a lot of bad things sure happened at once. Obviously it was a very bad year for the world too, with the Palestine and Sudan genocides that are still ongoing, and Trump winning and the ramifications that will have on the world, among other things.

For me, my town was devastated by a hurricane and I was without water and power for multiple weeks, though I was very lucky and could rely on my parents, my mother's friends, and my uncle to find us resources, and my place was entirely undamaged except for a small leak'

In addition, I had my geriatric kitty die from kidney failure DURING the hurricane stuff (though not having work meant I could spend a lot of time with him in his last days), the main friend I hang out with moved away getting COVID for the first time, like overhearing my coworkers dissing me behind my back (the stuff of my nightmares finally true), having a couple breakdowns at work...

However I've been doing okay at work the past six months, calm and in control, we've been doing a great deal of upheaval with departments merging and budget cuts and the hurricane and my new boss being uninformed and doing stuff we have to fix. BUT on the bright side, I don't have my boss literally three feet away from me at all times nor do I have to deal with the baggage of past screw ups.

And despite all that's happened, I want to remember the good things that happened last year, because there were some REALLY big ones, some of which were a product of hard work paying off, so I'm proud of them. Here's a list:

-I finished up the final final drafts of my current novel...and GOT A LITERARY AGENT! This still doesn't feel real. I thought the process to get an agent for my new book would be hard and fruitless, but I got one like, so quickly? And she's very nice and believes in my book and it's so incredible I'll get to submit to major publishers. I worked so hard on this book for nearly seven years, so it's amazing to see that pay off and see how much I've clearly improved from my small press days. It was honestly what was keeping me going sometimes.

-I went to Japan and had an INCREDIBLE time, saw so many great sights, went on a self guided Sailor Moon pilgrimage, got way to much merch and souvenirs...I was just the trip I needed after so much stress.

-I went to Anime expo, saw so many cool panels, saw Kamome Shirahama and met and got an autograph from Ryoko Kui!

-My incredible partner continued to stick by me through everything, and we've gotten to know each other more than ever. We'll be coming up on our two year dating anniversary soon!

-I read the Odyssey cover to cover! And read so many good books and watched so many good shows.

-I wrote fanfiction again for the first time in years, and got a good response!

weight loss talk content warning, under the cut

-I lost roughly 40 pounds, at a healthy rate, just exercise and controlling my desire to overeat and have lots of treats...so I'm now under 200 pounds for the first time in four years, and honestly I do sincerely have way more stamina and I like that.

The weight gain was once again the result of depression during quarantine and trying a medication that had major weight gain as a side effect because I was desperate to get relief from my depression (and it didn't even work). I might gain weight again someday, but hopefully never to that extent.

It's mostly nice to see I can be a lot more disciplined than I thought I could. I didn't think I'd have the willpower to keep up daily exercise (last time I lost weight it was like, 3-4 days and week and I didn't need to worry about my eating either) and controlling myself, so it's nice to see I can do things when I set my mind to it. I have no interest in being skinny, but I'm hoping to lose a bit more...but even if that doesn't happen so quickly or I hit a wall, I know regular exercise and moderation in eating will keep helping me regardless.

This year, I want to read more things, write more things, find a new job, make new friends, become more responsible and self reliant, and move forward with my novel and my agent. Who knows what life will throw at me this time, but I want to keep valuing my own accomplishments and build on my successes, and find what happiness I can in that, and also, value and support the people who love, value and support me.

[popcornfairy28]

An update!

Just right now, I just went through my "read by the author" podfics on AO3 and changed the "Read by the Author" tag (which was meant for podfic) to the now dedicated "Podfic Read by the Author" tag. Technically, it's the same tag functionally, but now it just says it lol. I also added the tag "Podfic and Text in the Same Work" for the more recent works where that is appropriate. I'm so excited that AO3 added those tags! I had been using "Podfic & Podficced Works" for the latter, and that tag is still on those works.

But that's not really what I wanted to share with y'all 😅

You're gonna have to say goodbye to sleep-deprived me, because I am finally curing my insomnia of recent years. Turns out, my current bedroom is a lot more disruptive with noise at night from inside the house than my old (much smaller) bedroom, so I've been sleeping in there for the past four nights and I've had sooooo much energy and been so productive!! I have gotten to become a much lighter sleeper than I used to be, so it took me ridiculously long to figure that out. I really should've figured it out earlier, since even the numbers don't lie. When I was in my old bedroom was when I first started posting to AO3 and wrote 50000+ words (and probably much more, but for WIPs) in a month, and my three year hiatus immediately started as soon as I moved to my "new" bedroom. So ummm we'll see what this does for my writing productivity 🤞

For writing, I might as well tell you how it's going. Here's the order I hope to update my WIPs: First Snow, The Older Siblings (+ prequel), Perry the Teenage Spy, and then Bap Away at My Heart should be getting its last chapter at the end of the month/early March. Any The Golden Years installments will have to wait until March/April. I will also be attempting to participate in the Inklings Challenge Four Loves Challenge, and I'd still love to write some for the Christmas Challenge. At some point, I will update the Chesterton Challenge Prompts before May. I won't give any specific dates, as I never succeed at them lol.

I still have a few podfics left to edit from Voiceteam Mystery Box. I will be working on them for this week and potentially the next. Then I will be posting a few romantic-ish ones for Valentine's Day. Then I hope to post a few for the "Leading Ladies" Podfest going on this month. In March, I hope to be mostly working on a longer podfic for the Podfic Big Bang. In April, I will be posting my bloopers of my "read by the author" podfics for my anniversary of my 2nd podfic (as that was the one that Voiceteam reached out to me and got me really making podfics), and then I plan to take it easy with podfics in order to gear up for Voiceteam again in May (Then I will definitely be editing Voiceteam podfics in June, if not also July).

Another thing I want to do with podfics this year are go back through and make versions with music! I want to record a few stings and jingles and such from the shows with my guitar and add them for page breaks and such. And, if I could figure it out, I would also add audio effects. (I also have a New Year's Resolution to make 100 podfics this year, and I'm already a tenth of the way there! It would be really funny if I already hit this with Voiceteam events haha)

Sorry for the long post, but it does show that my concentration has very much improved with better sleep 😂 Considering I just wrote this out in 15 minutes!

(I can of course get sick and throw this all out of whack, since the flu has been going around, SO while this isn't entirely unrealistic planning, it is a bit hopeful)

[its-dean]

Interstella: How am I supposed to feel?

Just this past week, there was a special one-day screening in theaters of a "remastered" version of Leiji Matsumoto's Interstella 5555. On paper this is a really exciting thing to have happen, especially for me. This is one of my favorite films/anime/albums of all time, and I could honestly gush about it for as long as it would take for you to watch the whole thing start to finish :,)

But there's something more to all of this that makes the whole situation feel a bit complicated in my eyes. To summarize: this re-release, rather than being a remaster by traditional means, is one that's forced forward by the power of generative AI (you can notice it especially on Stella in the screenshot above). Just from watching the trailer on Daft Punk's Youtube Channel, things felt unnaturally crisp and, in a way, kind of "alien" to the original version I was so used to. I know that's a pretty personal takeaway for me to present you with, but it did alarm me with just how many keyframes I saw that looked very "unnaturally altered." Don't get me wrong, the picture quality is better than I've ever seen, a real shock to the system, but knowing the history behind this film and its production so well I just can't help but think about how this level of quality was something I was literally never meant to see.

This post is gonna be very different from what I usually like to share online, but since the announcement was made and the actual event has since happened, the thoughts have just been stirring in my mind nonstop. I wanted to put my thoughts out there for once, mostly because of how much this film inspires me.

The film itself is a visual masterpiece that I can't recommend enough. Headed by Leiji Matsumoto, an absolute visionary in the world of classic anime and one of my favorite artists in terms of his pure drawing style. I love a lot of his work, even as far back as Captain Harlock and the original Battleship Yamato, both from the '70s (though I'll always say that Interstella is my favorite project he was ever attached to). Considering he just passed away a little over a year ago, I'm a bit torn up over whether or not this AI driven re-release was really the best way to honor all of his hard work...

And then, if we're gonna talk about what you'll be listening to, you've got Daft Punk with Discovery, which is literally my favorite LP of all time(though I'd say in large part it's thanks to this film). I'll be honest, this post is about the visual film rather than the music, so I'm not going to be talking so much about them here. All of their songs are still there and in perfect condition, and considering these two broke up over 3 years ago I think it's an overall amazing feeling to see their music still being promoted like this (especially when it's Discovery).

It's really exciting for me to see Interstella getting a visual "update" such as this. The entire film is crafted to be a very "flow-based" experience unlike what you'd see in traditional anime/cinema. There's not a single word of spoken dialogue, and things are kept at a very brisk pace with high frame rates and detailed compositions. Not to mention the fact that the entire film is a well thought-out commentary on the music industry's hidden faults: exploitation of talent and destruction of creativity. It's a message that's unfortunately proved itself to be a timeless one, something I think we all need to refresh ourselves on from time to time. Reasons like these are why I'm really glad that this re-release even happened at all, because I think it's a wonderful thing to celebrate this type of creative and visual storytelling.

The debate I've been having with myself, though, comes from what I had mentioned before: generative AI. If you know the full story, they it might make more sense why the people who restored this thing chose to do it this way (well, besides the obvious $$$). Film restoration is a long and laborious process, but it becomes impossible to undertake unless you have the actual original film reel to work with. Toei Animation, the studio who produced the film, had scrapped the old master for the project, so there was literally no physical strip to be cleaned and re-scanned for this modern re-release. The best these new producers could do was to find a recording of the film, use it themselves, and pump that through an generative AI program. This type of approach doesn't make me feel like it was something they wanted to do, but rather saw this new technology as a means to bring easy profits, definitely a very artificial and soulless approach to promote and sell something that honestly didn't need to be remastered in the first place, but I'll talk about that later.

I should make it clear after saying all that, my opinions are very much rooted in all of these statements I'm making. I think it would be unfair for me to claim that I know all the sides of this story, but there are just those one or two key decisions made here that makes it hard for me to keep quiet. Daft Punk doesn't deserve any slack for doing something like this, they've been broken up for years and have already won me over time and time again through their music. And again, I think it's a wonderful revelation to be able to see this film shine again in theaters (even if it was only for one day). If any of you have pieces to this puzzle that might contribute to this rhetoric I'm winding here, definitely let me know by leaving a comment or messaging me. I'd love to learn more!

Because I wanna stay focused on the film itself, I'd actually like to transition to some of the more positive things I took away from all of this. I'll start with this: one thing I'm VERY glad to have noticed is that the remaster doesn't seem to be using AI to "insert frames." A common thing to see with a lot of these generative projects is a desire to have everything running at an unnatural 60 frames per second. The problem with this is that it forces these AI programs to try and fill in the blanks on their own, producing frames that were never actually made in the original animation sequence. This always end up resulting in movement that I think feels far too fluid to be compelling.

Unlike a lot of anime, and animation in general, Interstella already has quite a surprising amount of motion. I think it was likely done to try and tell as much story as possible, but there are so many sequences where I'm left surprised at just how many frames are packed into a single second of animation, lots of really quick camera panning too (High Life is a great example of this imo).

I think this whole idea of inserting frames to make things run at 60 fps is a very naive outlook on what animation is meant to offer. Letting your mind fill in the blanks is what animation is all about, and that's why elements such as breaking movement into ones and twos are some of the most powerful tools in an animator's arsenal. (This is a personal opinion I'd like to tack on, but I also think that seeing the "grainy-ness" which comes with older productions like this can make for a much more whimsical experience. It adds this dreamy, ethereal personality to certain key moments that's difficult to put into words, and it makes the overall watching experience feel much more memorable if you ask me). It makes me very happy to see that restraint from whatever team was in charge of putting this together, because Interstella is still a masterpiece in animation, even over 20 years later.

I really want to recommend that you watch this thing for yourself if you get the chance. Just get cozy, grab a good pair of headphones, turn the lights off, and take the time to appreciate this art in it's original form. The entire film is on Youtube and can be found very easily under a number of playlists, mainly because each single in Daft Punk's Discovery corresponds to a different part of the film. It still feels wild that there was this much I wanted to say about an event that's already come and gone, but I think I decided to take this leap to put some important food for thought out there, as well as to help you learn a little bit about myself. Animation has always called to me, and I've never found myself drawn to these modern-day trends that try to focus on building new spectacle from old works. Part of the fun with animation in watching it is thinking about the artists behind the screen, thinking about everything they were able to paint and produce using all of their effort. Whether it be art in a visual sense or art as presented through Daft Punk's unique music, I hope you might be willing to give this film a watch if you haven't already. (And if you have, then why not go for another ride!)

(When I rewatched this part I could only think that when Daft Punk made a cameo their reactions are really just a self-fulfilling prophecy rip)

[textsfromthetva]

WIP Wednesday (it's 2AM, so it counts)

my good ol' friend seasonal depression is really setting in right now. it actually came sooner than usual this year, and I haven't written a goddamn word for weeks. it sucks. for comfort I've been editing my old WIPs, because at least that feels tangentially like writing, you know?

anyway, during this I rediscovered that trippy X-5/Sacred Timeline!Brad Wolfe fic, and it's still pretty good for a first draft! so that's what you're getting. with no context, because explaining what the fuck is going in this fic would take all night. onward!

The parcel arrives by courier, which X-5 finds mildly amusing when he opens it and concludes that it’s something as boring as a movie script. “It’s standard protocol these days,” Brad says. “Industry safety measures, you know.” “In case someone gets a hold of the top-secret plot of-” he squints at the title page. “Zaniac.” Brad shrugs. He’s in the process of cooking a breakfast that’s so late it’s probably brunch by now, hence why he’d made X-5 answer the door. “That’s how it works. The fact that he didn’t make you sign a proof of delivery was a major slipup. I mean, you could be anybody.” X-5 arches an eyebrow. “Yeah, we look nothing alike.” Brad laughs quietly and starts piling food on their plates, just as the kettle starts whistling on the stove. “Did you learn to fake my signature though, darling?” As a matter of fact, yes, yes he did, and he’s getting good at it too. Which isn’t something Brad needs to know, and lying to him is getting difficult, so X-5 changes the subject instead. “So what’s it about?” he asks, sitting down by the kitchen table. Brad puts a plate in front of him and pours him a cup of tea. X-5 thanks him with a nod. “Think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” he replies as he sits down himself. “Kinda.” X-5 flips open the script and starts scanning a random page in the middle, absentmindedly picking up a piece of toast. “It’s a horror movie,” he concludes after a page and a half. “It’s not,” Brad insists. “It’s an elevated thriller.” X-5 snorts. “God you’re pretentious.” “No, the producers are pretentious.” He takes a sip of his tea. “Look, it’s not high art, but it has the potential to really cement my name in the public consciousness. People love this stuff.” “You’re already famous,” X-5 points out. “You can always get more famous,” Brad says. “And the production company is going to try to build a whole franchise, multiple mediums and all that. This apartment doesn’t pay for itself, you know.” He pauses, then cracks a smile. “Plus, I’m currently living with someone who is putting my grocery budget to the test.” X-5, who had been in the process of shoveling scrambled eggs into his mouth, goes perfectly still. “I’m joking, darling,” Brad says, gently reassuring. “It’s flattering, that you like my cooking. I’m assuming you’re not used to good food.” “I’m not,” X-5 admits. Another thing the TVA really doesn’t prioritize.  “Well, that’s in the past now. Feel free to take advantage of your improved circumstances.”

I had forgotten how utterly fond I am of Sacred Timeline!Brad Wolfe, a character I made up entirely in my own head. I just think he's neat.

[atrashcanraccoon]

this is a product of my inability to stop imagining and a lot of brain beating because college isn't going easy on me.

inspired by a prompt on instagram that had me feral with the possibilities.

also yes, i'm putting it up in parts bc it's more fun that way. this is a cleaned up, edited ver. of what i've posted on IG.

happy reading <3 (under the cut)

"I haven't seen him in a few days, but that's like, normal for him, it's not a big deal, he'll show up when he wants to," said the hero's love interest, as she tucked her hair behind her ears and looked at her lover in confusion. "He does this all the time, right?"

The hero hummed in agreement. "I should've known that he's gonna pull something like this. Let's hope the idiot resurfaces with his dumb jokes sooner than later."

The comic relief hasn't been meeting his friends for a week now. If you ask, the hero would tell you that comic was pretty unpredictable and he goes off grid for days on end. Hero's love interest would tell you that despite being best friends, Comic and Hero didn't exactly meet each other often (is it because Hero never really had time for his friend? Is it because Comic never really felt appreciated by Hero? We'd never know, but Hero's lover had her doubts).

The last time Hero and his lover had seen him was on their two year anniversary. Comic had helped Hero organise a little picnic and a pillow-fort-movie date after. That afternoon, Comic had bid goodbye to the couple and told them that he'd be busy the entire next week because apparently 'the education system is a conman and we're all being scammed'.

Hero hadn't thought much about Comic's inactivity, seemingly used to it, but as texts from his best friend were also far and few in between, he grew worried. His lover took great pains to assuage his fears but the only thing that really helped with the stress was fighting Villain.

Villain was an enigma. His motives were virtually unknown, considering the man always kept spewing bullshit about how he loves a little touch of public nuisance because it's fun. Hero's main vendetta against Villain was due to the latter's penchant for being an annoyance to society. Villain had once set fire to all the staff rooms of the city's schools at night, forcing the institutes to shut down for a week for a renovation. The media uproar was insane and Hero was hounded by journalists for weeks because of his late arrival to the scene of crime (not his fault- he had assignments to finish. Post-graduate studies aren't easy. Real life sucks).

Time went on and so did Villain's terror- and in a bid to protect the city from him, Hero devoted more time and resources to attempt capturing him. Somewhere, even Hero forgot that he hadn't heard from Comic in over a month.

That evening, after his latest stunt (minor bank robbery, because the manager had challenged every criminal in the city by bragging about his brand new security measures and Villain loves taking annoying people down a notch), he returned to his lair, feeling hopelessly empty, of sorts. Of course, the fight with Hero was everything he needed to scratch the itch that'd been taunting him for days, but something was missing.

He pulled up the news coverage of that day's mayhem. Something.... something is missing. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

His thoughts screeched to a halt when he noticed the lack of someone's presence. Almost in a frenzy, he began opening tabs of footage and media coverage of his fights with the hero of the past month. He's - Comic- what? Where's Comic? What?!

Villain would be the first to admit that apart from the occasional lawlessness and laying waste to the city (because property damage is infinitely more satisfying than bodily harm), his main source of childlike joy was seeing Hero gawp like a fool when his friend, the comic relief exchanged beautiful quips with Villain. He also wouldn't exactly tell you this, but the sheer glee of meeting someone who gives as good as he gets is unparalleled.

Like this one time, amidst a cute little Italian bistro that was then in ruins after the initial scuffle, Villain was delivering his prepared monologue because Hero actually gives him time to speak (which, personally, he thinks is fucking stupid). He'd just finished making a powerful statement about serving real justice when Comic had blinked, and giggled (the cute guy giggled) then said, "The only thing you're serving right now is spaghetti with a side of bloodied shoulder. I don't see how that's a good look on you."

Hero had then tried to shush his friend, a horrified look on his face, but Comic gave him a face that suggested that he's taking none of that and then proceeded to stare into Villain's soul, a goofy smirk gracing his face.

That was it. Villain was falling in love.

Not a day goes by where Villain hopes that he could ask the cute funny guy out on a cute little date without the whole 'i'm a bad guy and you're the good guy's best friend-slash-comic-relief' situation.

But fact remained that Comic hadn't been seen for over a month and as far as Villain was concerned, that's a month too long. He growled to one of his men, "Get me the city's surveillance footage of the past month."

The henchman was confounded. "But sir, I don't see why-"

"I don't pay you to question me, boy, do what I said. Now!" he barked, his displeasure and confusion shining through. The henchman (his name is Steve) slowly backed away and was leaving with a frown.

Maybe I was too harsh. With this thought in his head, Villain called out, "Steve, my good man, forgive me for snapping at you."

Steve bowed his head almost reverentially and smiled. "Don't ask for forgiveness sir, I respect you immensely. I will get you the footage you require."

"Thank you, Steve. If you could hurry."

Villain sighed, not knowing what to think or expect. He understands the impasse he's at - his rival's best friend is missing, but Hero seemingly doesn't give a shit, or he's unaware (debatable). The only one who was mildly concerned was Hero's girl and Villain's sure that even she'd given up. He doubts that Hero has any other friends, making it weirder that he's not turning the city upside down looking for his best friend.

It's almost like he's the only one who is trying to do something about all this, albeit late.

Steve came back with a tablet with the footage and handed it to Villain. "Do you need me to get you anything else, sir?"

"A cup of tea, no sugar, please."

"Yes sir, right away."

Villain settled down to examine the footage. It was gonna be a long night.

\\\

this was part one, lmk what you think (ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

[bekandrew]

Queer Mutual Aid

I've asked for help recently, but we didn't get fully out of the hole yet and it's getting worse. I'm physically disabled and have debilitating PTSD which have made it hellish to find and keep work, particularly outside the house. I've been very ill for most of this past year, including a bout of sepsis where I nearly died. So even my attempts at self-employment have been... less than fruitful overall. I'm also visibly queer/trans in the Deep South, US. We should have been out of the hole this past week, except rent raised to ridiculous because HUD decided I'm not disabled by their standards (?????) so none of my medical expenses count. And I had to put all that aside first so it wouldn't actually get spent on anything. Wife's the one with an actual job outside the house. It pays over minimum but not much more, and not enough for two people to live safely on (especially with my medical expenses). They also have mental disabilities that need to be evaluated that we're only now getting some access for them. Hopefully. Wife's still without a phone currently. They got ripped off by the repair shop they went to and we ended up having to order a new phone anyway because it ended up being cheaper than the further repairs the shop wanted to make on the still not-working phone.

Because Wife is without their phone, they're locked out from the super duper secure government website like food stamps applications. Which we were in the process of when phone broke. We don't have money for groceries. We're nearly out and wife doesn't get paid for another week and a half. We had to entirely skip a planned grocery run. I've already been skipping meals for a while. We're about $90 short for our electric bill due tomorrow. I thought I paid it already. But nope, I hadn't figured in the past due amount when I paid. I'm unsure if we have money for me to make it to both my doctor's appointment on the 29th and the Vocational Rehab assessment on the 4th. I need to pay Uber fare since I can't drive. $55 should give enough padding for both trips and anything else would go toward food. I already rescheduled a post-surgical evaluation, which thankfully wasn't urgent, to a time wife will just be able to drive me. We've been trying to get permission to move my cousin in and applying for various other aid to relieve the situation, but bureaucracy's not been moving fast enough. I have a tip jar, art prints, ttrpg products, and linked commission info at linktr.ee/bekandrew

[skeletonmob]

Catharsis - Chapter 7

Chap 6

Masterpost

Chap 8

Word Count ~ 4050

Reading time ~ 20min.

Jun 29

The next two weeks with Joseph and Gale weren't very productive. Joseph kept insisting that he'd done nothing wrong and that he was just doing his job, while Gale kept insisting that the world was a cruel, evil place and that he was just trying to survive. Despite being past the 'free trial' period, both of them decided to stay. I think they just wanted to prove that they were right.

Though, near the end of the month, I managed to make a break through.

"You've mentioned several times that you want to show everyone what the 'real' world is like. Who exactly does 'everyone' refer to?"

"Everyone! Obviously!" Gale snapped at me.

"I meant does it refer to artists specifically? Or people who seem too optimistic?"

"Both of them, for the most part. Just any sheeple who's shielding their eyes from the world! Anybody who wronged me!"

"Anybody who wronged you? So this is a vengeance thing?"

Gale immediately stiffened.

"Yes! This is totally revenge! Revenge against a world that hates me!" He tried to sound as casual as possible, but there was desperation in his voice.

"Were you bullied at school?"

He shifted around for a moment, then gave a long, drawn out exhale. It seemed like he finally realized he could only keep doing this for so long.

"Yeah." He said in a quiet voice.

"Was this through out your school years or just in middle school or - "

"High school."

"Do you know why?"

. . . . .

"Everyone said I had 'girly' magic."

"So you're proficient in Moon and Venus magic."

"Yeah, I also have an affinity for them."

"Did people assume you were gay as well?"

"No, everybody just kept saying I was weak and girly. That I would never amount to anything. That I could never be as 'cool and awesome' as Leon Funk, even though I think he's an asshole."

"I'm assuming you felt very scared and angry back then."

"Yeah."

"How else did you feel? Did you have thoughts of getting revenge or running away from home?"

"The thought of getting revenge has crossed my mind, but I never thought I could go through with it. Trevor and his entourage felt really intimidating. Beyond that, I just felt useless. A lot of my classmates really only saw me as the resident fortune teller. They'd only talk to me so I could predict their math grades for them."

"So you never really had any friends."

"There was Blake, but he betrayed me too."

"How so?"

. . . . .

"I don't want to talk about it."

I didn't expect him to answer, but I still had to ask. This was still excellent progress though. I leaned back in my chair for a moment as I mulled everything over.

"So you were bullied throughout high school. These negative experiences, combined with things like the news, gave you a very pessimistic worldview. The world is an awful place. But there are people out there who have the opposite worldview or are trying to make the world better, which frustrates you because it runs counter to what you believe in. So, in turn, you take your frustration out on others. Would this be a correct assessment of the situation?"

. . . . .

"I guess so." Gale responded in a quiet voice, "I just wanted to show everyone what the real world is like."

"Yeah, sometimes the world gets to you."

"You can't be depressed."

"I'm not. I'm saying this is a pretty universal experience. Some days the weather completely destroys your garden, or you drop the new phone you just bought, or your favorite cafe is too crowded. None of that compares to being bullied, of course, but everybody has days where a bunch of little frustrations keep piling up."

"But this is more than that! This is about the fate of the world!"

"The fate of the world?"

"Yes! There's tons of people like Leon Fucktoy out there! Each one of them has hundreds of thousands of fanboys! Even if we squash him right here and now, then what about everyone else?"

"So you want to stop this from happening again?"

"Yes! That's what I've been trying to do this entire time!"

"Alright, and how is harassing people at art shows supposed to help?"

Gale stuttered for a second before completely going silent. It looked like he never even considered this question before.

"Listen," I said calmly, "I know you've been through a lot and you want your pain to be heard. But constantly harassing the first person you see is not going to fix anything. It's not going to help you get over your trauma or make the world a better place."

The was a long pause before Gale gave another long, drawn out exhale. I took that as a sign to end this session.

Jul 1

On Thursday, I didn’t make as much progress with Joseph, but it was still insightful.

"So, how are we doing today?"

Joseph grumbled.

"Awful! I haven't been able to get any work done! The audio keeps getting corrupted."

Likely due to the Evil Eye.

"That sounds frustrating."

"You have no idea!"

"Is this a video you've been working on for a while?"

"It's a review of a game my audience requested. I try to do as many of those as I can."

"Is it a game you enjoyed?"

"Not really. It's one of those mascot horror games, like Bendy and the Ink Machine. I wouldn't say I outright hated it, but the whole genre's going stale for me."

"Would you say you're more frustrated about all the work you've lost? Or are your frustrated at the prospect of replaying a game you don't like? Or are you frustrated about having to delay a video?"

"I'd say it's . . . the latter."

"You don't like delaying a video."

"Yeah."

"Do you feel that you're disappointing your audience when you do that?"

"More or less. I know that all my deadlines are all self imposed, but whenever I have to delay a video I feel like I'm . . . betraying everybody, in a sense. Like, I promised you a video on this day, but oops! Nevermind!"

"And how do you normally go about addressing this issue?"

"I usually just power through and try to get the video done."

"Do you not have multiple videos in the pipeline?"

"Usually just one or two. That's the most I can focus on."

"Have you ever considered abandoning a project?"

"I can't do that!" Joseph sat up.

"I'm sure if you just said 'hey, I'm having audio issues with this project, so I'm going to put this on the backburner for a while' that your audience would understand."

"No, that's impossible!"

I was a bit confused. This was a common courtesy that could easily address his immediate issues, yet it wasn't an option in his mind.

"Well, based off our previous sessions, you appear to have a very positive relationship with your audience. With the exception of a few detractors. They're very loyal and patient and enjoy the videos you put out. You also mentioned you had to delay a video because your house had some major plumbing issues, and your audience was completely supportive throughout the whole ordeal."

"This is different! I've been cursed!"

"That is true, however, you don't have to let anyone know your cursed if you don't want to. You could just say you're having trouble with your recording equipment."

"No, I can't do that!"

After a moment, things finally clicked.

"Are you afraid that things like this will make you look bad?"

Joseph shot up from the sofa.

"UUUrrgh! Why are we talking about this? This has no rela - "

"You've said that about every other session we've had."

"Because it's true! Talking about me won't fix anything! Jae's the one who cursed me! It's not like I cursed myself!"

I stood up, gestured at the door and it opened. I rarely ever use telekinesis, even though it's well within the sphere of Saturn magic. Never really had a use for it aside from small moments like this. I mainly studied it in college because why not?

“Same time next week then?”

“Ugh . . . yeah.”

"Well, just to remind you, building and maintaining relationships takes effort."

Joseph didn’t respond. He simply slinked out of the room with a more defeated look on his face than usual. Like he simply couldn’t understand why all of this was happening to him.

. . . . .

"Are you afraid that things like this will make you look bad?"

He immediately stopped the conversation when I’d asked that. He’s definitely a people pleaser. He cares about his self-image and how people perceive him. He wants to be seen as a professional video game critic, as someone that’s knowledgeable about video games, and as an all around cool guy.

That's why he doesn't want to abandon projects, because that might make him look incompetent or that he doesn't care about his audience. It would also explain why he’s so stubborn when it comes to his opinions and reviews. Any counterpoints to his arguments are also threats to his self image. It would also explain why he's still coming here, despite continually maintaining his innocence. On a personal level, he’s trying to prove to me that he’s not a bad guy. If he can maintain a good relationship with me, that would be a silver lining in all of this. The next question is, why?

I paced around the room a bit as I wrote down some notes, trying to think of the best course of action to take.

Jul 2

Nelly was coming to visit for the weekend. The plan was that she and Jae would visit the art museum on Saturday and then go to game night at the Wizard’s Chest that evening. Then on Sunday they’d have lunch somewhere and Nelly would be on her way. Since they’d primarily be wandering around the downtown area, Jae decided visit the area around Chessman park to continue working.

Cornflower Park, Washington Park, and Chessman Park are the three main parks within the Denver area. Chessman is the smallest of the three. It's a small verdant rectangle that'll take you about 30 minutes to walk around the perimeter of. It takes just over an hour to walk the perimeter of Washington Park, and about three hours to walk the entire length of Cornflower Park.

On the Eastern side of the park, where it connects with the botanical gardens, is a small arboretum. The trees look as though they escaped containment and spilt out onto the open grass next to them. In front of the arboretum is a large fountain. A statue of Aphrodite lay gently on a bed, her voluptuous marble curves gracing the eyes of all who pass by her. Water poured out of various Greek theater masks that decorated the plinth into the shallow pool of water below.

At the corner where the park and botanical garden met was the aptly named Secret Garden Cafe. It was hidden by the arboretum on one side and an apartment complex on the other, so you could easily miss it if you weren't paying attention. Jae spent just over two hours there working on his game before heading home.

A branch of the trains connected the University of Denver to the Cherry Creek Shopping Center and the botanical gardens. As he headed towards the nearest train station, Jae heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, Jae!"

Jae turned his head and saw Joseph running up to him once again. He sighed in frustration. He thought about running or teleporting away, but he was already near the station. Might as well listen to what Joseph had to say and get it over with.

"Have you thought about taking the business classes I suggested?" Joseph asked.

"No." Jae said flatly. To be honest, he'd thought Joseph had gone home.

"Well, uh, if you don't want to take classes, I'm will - "

"No."

"But I know tons of tips and tricks for - "

"No, I'm not interested! It’s not going to work anyway."

Joseph intended to use this opportunity to give Jae helpful tricks and tips about building an audience online. He hoped that Jae would then try them out, they'd work, and that would put Jae in a better position to accept his apology. He once again didn't anticipate any push back.

"If you want to make it big, you need to learn how to advertise yourself.”

"That's what the art collective was supposed to help with! I’ve participated in like, four art shows every year! Old Haunts has had three advertising campaigns and nothing has come from it! No comments and barely any downloads. What makes you think you can solve this?”

“I'm basically a professional when it comes to building an audience!"

“Oh, of course! You’re a self-made man!”

“It’s true! It takes time to build an audience! It took me a few years to gain a following so I definitely know how hard it is!”

“Yeah, well it’s taken me an entire decade to barely move an inch!”

“Do you just hate influencers or something?”

Jae sighed in frustration.

“I’m saying that even more advertising is not the solution to my problems.”

As Jae spoke, he waved his hand and a sudden wave of anxiety came over Joseph. Like he accidentally forgot if he checked the stove before he left this morning.

“Oh, sorry. I gotta go.”

Joseph started sprinting down the street. After taking a moment to calm down, Jae continued on his way.

Jul 3

Both the exterior and interior of the Wizard's Chest was designed to mimic a fairy tale castle. The front facade of the building was painted a purplish gray and jutted up an extra seven feet or so from the actual roof. Three towers were placed on the left, right, and center which helped sell the impression of a stately castle, especially from a distance. Two large display windows housed a pair of mannequins playing chess and a table will several D&D handbooks on it. They stood guard next to a regal wood door with a stained glass window of a princess and a unicorn. The door had originally been made of wood and wrought iron, something you might see in a church, but the owners eventually switched them out as they were heavy and made too much noise.

The top floor was divided into sections, each denoted by a large banner that hung from the ceiling. Directly to your left were the cash registers and a red banner with CLASSIC GAMES embroidered in gold on it. On that wall were shelves of playing cards, dominoes, chess sets, and jigsaw puzzles. In the back, DIVINATION was embroidered in white on a midnight blue banner. That area was were all the tarot decks, candles, spirit boards, dream journals, and so on were located. In the center of all the displays was a mannequin dressed as a court astronomer. On the right wall was an appropriately purple banner with COSTUMES embroidered in gold. Directly to your right was a pink banner with MAKEUP embroidered in white. Mannequins dressed as a king and queen overlooked a counter and shelves of wigs, fake eyelashes, hair dye, and nail polish.

In the center was a wide staircase that led to the bottom floor. A mosaic of a fake coat of arms decorated the landing and a simple gold chandelier hung directly overhead. A large statue of a cartoon dragon also greeted you as you made your way down. Beyond that, the only decoration on the bottom floor were the shelves of board games that covered the walls.

"Wow! This is like Dungeon Diving but better!" Nelly said.

"Yeah, it is." Jae responded, though he wasn't entirely in the mood to talk or even be here. His run in with Joseph yesterday had once again got him thinking about the trajectory of his art career.

He’d been considering once again that he might be the problem. Perhaps he should be more motivated and aggressive in terms of advertising and networking. No, that couldn’t be it. Since he joined the art collective, he’d participated in several dozen art shows, almost three or four a year. He was fairly active on most of his social media. Aside from posting art, he usually visited them at least once a day to see what was going on in the world. Old Haunts had had three separate advertising campaigns. From his perspective, Jae had been actively advertising and networking all this time, and yet it wasn’t enough. The solution Joseph proposed was to just advertise even more and more efficiently. But if what Jae had been doing hadn’t gotten him anywhere, what’s to say that Joseph’s method would be better? Plus, like Jae had said, it was too much work. Why spend all this time advertising his art when he could actually make art?

Jae continued to ponder the situation as he and Nelly browsed the shelves, trying to attack it from every possible angle. He was an introverted man, which definitely made it hard for him to hold a conversation, which subsequently made it hard for him to connect with others and build an audience. But that couldn’t be the only reason. There were plenty of introverted artists with huge followings on social media, some had been part of an art collective and some hadn’t. Carina Williams was part of the Great Lakes Art Collective and was now one of the primary artists for D&D. She primarily worked with oil painting, but also did mixed media or digital art when she felt it was appropriate. She posted a new painting about once a month. What did she have that Jae didn’t? What was the missing ingredient in all this?

“Hey, the game room is filling up.” Nelly said, jolting Jae from his thoughts. She wanted to inquire if something was wrong, but she assumed it was about the art collective.

Without saying a word, Jae walked to the main game room in the back. Aaron, Catherine, and Erin – Jae’s primary gaming group – was already there, waiting for everyone else to divy themselves up by playing on their phones.

“Well, hello there stranger!” Catherine joked as Jae entered.

“You said that last time.” Jae responded quietly.

“Cause I haven’t seen you in ages! You’ve only been here, like twice since you moved back!”

“Jae’s saying you’re a bad comedian.” Aaron quipped.

“I am not – actually, I probably am, but that’s not what I was saying!”

“This is Nelly, she’s from Chicago.” Jae said as she entered.

“OMG, hi! Are you the fashion model friend?” Catherine shook Nelly’s hand.

“One and the same!”

Everyone sat down as Catherine and Nelly got to talking about Nelly’s modeling career. Inspired by this, Aaron grabbed a game called Canvas – a game where you create your own paintings from transparent plastic cards – from the demo shelf. Nelly was initially concerned that this might trigger another existential crisis in Jae, but the game’s appearance didn’t trigger any sort of response from him.

Once they had finished, a man in a white t-shirt approached the table.

"Are you guys going to start a new game?" He asked cordially.

"Yeah! We'll decide on something once we clean up!" Catherine said.

"Cool! I'm Chad, by the way."

"Really? You know, you're like the second Chad I've ever met! Everybody says they know a frat dude named Chad or they met a Karen in the grocery store, but I've legit never interacted with anyone like that."

"Glad my reputation proceeds me." Chad joked.

"Did you just move here?" Erin asked, not taking her eyes off the shawl she was crocheting. She always brought her current crocheting project to game night. It'd give her something to focus on while waiting for other people to take their turns.

"No . . . I guess sort of. I moved here three years ago because of work. I usually try out new hangout spots over the weekends and finally decided to check this place out."

"Where do you work?" Catherine asked.

"Over at Gateway."

For a split second, everyone threw their eyebrows up.

"You have hepatitis yet?" Erin asked, rather sardonically.

"What?"

"You have hepatitis yet? From passing around Fucktoy all day."

Everyone laughed.

"OOOOooooohhh! Good one!" Catherine high fived Erin.

"It's not like that!" Chad objected, trying to maintain composure, "Leon might be the CEO, but he's not really involved in day to day operations. The R&D department is actually pretty cool!"

"Because they have a ping pong table?" Aaron asked sarcastically.

"I meant that each department manages itself on it's own without much interaction from Leon. But that too."

"Wow, color me impressed." Erin said flatly.

"The pay's also really good!"

"Ooooh! Hush money for - "

"You can let him finish!" Jae said sternly, at a near yell.

The whole table quieted down. Some people at the other tables checked on what was going on before focusing back on their games. Chad took a deep breath and continued.

"I know that Leon's the face of the company, but that doesn't mean that everyone who works for him idolizes him. Most of the time, he's usually out doing PR stuff so everyone's left to our own devices. It's usually a lot of design meetings, coding, product testing, finance, that sort of thing."

"We might have the veneer of your typical Silicon Valley start up, but genuinely, we're not like that! Like I said, I usually go to bars or mini golf or whatever seems like a fun thing to do on the weekends. Melissa and her husband actually really like golf and tennis. Dave from R&D loves rock climbing."

"If you're aware of Fuckboy's reputation, why do you work for him?" Jae asked.

"I . . . we all just kind of ended up there somehow. And like I said, he's not breathing down our necks all the time, so it's more or less the same as any other corporate environment."

. . . . .

"Cool. For future reference, I don't think trying to hire people at social events is a good idea."

"Yeah . . ."

The atmosphere was awkward as Ticket to Ride was brought out but gradually relaxed as the rules were explained. After they were done, Chad left and the table finished the evening by playing Horrified – a cooperative game where players had to defeat classic movie monsters. By the time they were done, it was close to 10 and the majority of people had left for the evening.

Everyone exited through the backstairs to the alley behind the store. Aaron, Catherine, and Erin made a b-line towards the parking lot, with Jae and Nelly lagging behind. After the three of them had rounded a corner, Nelly spoke up.

"Did you apply for any jobs at Gateway?" she asked.

"I . . . I've been approached, but declined." Jae answered.

"Well, just try not to associate with them."

"I just wanted him to say his piece and then move on with it."

"That's how they sucker you in! They act all casual and friendly and stuff so you'll trust them!"

"Listen! Genuinely, I just wanted him to finish his . . . monologue or whatever. I didn’t want to spend the next 10 minutes making snarky comments about his life choices. Besides, beating him down is not going to help anyone.”

“He works for a guy who tried to turn an entire country into his own personal factory!”

“Again, how is rubbing that in his face supposed to help?”

Nelly was speechless. Basically everyone she knew never showed any sort of empathy towards Leon or his associates.

“If you want people to change for the better, you need to support them. I’m not asking you to become the babysitter of every sob story you meet, but just like, give them the time of day every once in a while.”

With that, Jae continued walking through the warm summer night. Nelly trailed behind him in silence.