#i've been more productive this past week than the entire year

[thahiree]

Hi 🙈

[malusokay]

Little things that improved my life 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

Accepting my sleep schedule. I'm a night owl; I focus at night, I'm calm at night, I'm motivated at night. For a long time, I tried to fight this since everyone always preaches getting up early, but since I started accepting my natural sleep schedule, I've been feeling a lot better and have become way more productive.

"drink more water". TEA. Tea is the secret here. I will be honest, I hate drinking water; it doesn't matter if I have a cute water bottle or a cute glass, I still hate it. TEA.

Replying quickly. I used to be one of those people who get a text message and think, "Oh, I'll reply to that later", and then just forget about it entirely. Now, I text back as soon as I see the message. This has not only improved my texting anxiety (which I cause on my own by now replying and then feeling bad) but also deepened my connection to my friends. <3

Keeping my circle small and being okay with that. Over the past months, I've had this sudden urge to expand my social circle and get to know more and more people, especially after I moved in August. However, this quickly ended in what I like to call my "social burnout". I was tired, annoyed, and overwhelmed. It took a few weeks for it to settle, but I've come to the conclusion that I would much rather have a smaller circle of people who I trust and love deeply than a huge group of friends, and that's totally okay.

Wearing what I like. Even though I live in a big city, I'd still say that my style can sometimes be a bit more extravagant than what most people wear, another point is that I'm very uncomfortable with pants so I only wear skirts, which is also considered a bit odd where I live. But over the past years, I've come to accept that and have become so sure of myself and found such comfort in my style that I now just wear whatever I like, and it makes every day a little bit nicer.

Reading and writing for pleasure. Reading books outside of my studies and spending time researching topics that simply interest me is such a great way to calm your mind. Same for writing, I always like to say that to write is to think; putting your thoughts on paper in cohesive and well-crafted sentences that you can then reread and think over again is such a liberating thing to do.

Reaching out more. fuck the whole "double texting" and "no contact" thing. If you want to speak to someone because they mean something to you, then just do it. Unless they specifically asked for space, you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to be in touch with them. Many even really appreciate it when you show that you truly care. Let's stop the nonchalant act, and instead, let's face deep emotions and true vulnerability. <3

As always, please feel free to share your own little insights and things that helped you improve comments! <3

my insta: @ malusokay

love ya ･:*₊‧✩

[genericpuff]

holy crap okay so

I'm two episodes into Kaos

normally I keep my expectations pretty minimal because, let's be real, the Internet - and especially Tumblr - has a tendency to severely overhype new series to be way better than they actually are and it often leaves me sitting there like "that's it? that's what people were freaking out over for weeks?? that was just a bunch of cheap ships and tropes that i've seen 123785902380 times before" LMAO

BUT thankfully compared to other series like Hazbin Hotel and The Amazing Digital Circus, I haven't been worn out on excessive fandom exposure prior to watching Kaos, so I didn't really know what to expect going in besides what folks have told me so far - it's a modern-day Greek epic, and it stars Jeff Goldblum as Zeus (which is, unsurprisingly, peak casting).

That said, I'm very pleased to say that so far, the show is absolutely blowing me away. The set designs, characterizations, weaving of all the players into a central narrative led by a very coy narrator, all of it feels both refreshing and respectful to the source material at the same time.

so uh yeah that LO animated TV show... we have reason to believe now that it's gotten picked up by Amazon Prime, at least according to the showrunner's LinkedIn and posting history from February of this year that seems to imply LO may have been picked up by Amazon-

(but still, nothing's really been confirmed because they're being so tight-lipped about this you'd almost think it's because there isn't a show happening at all cough)

But even then, that means at best we still won't see anything of the LO TV show adaption for another 2-3 years, depending on how production goes.

Why am I talking about LO right now? Well it should be obvious - Kaos double-whammied LO by beating it to the punch at its own game.

I mean, just look at the creative choices alone in the design of the Underworld and its rulers, our beloved Hades and Persephone.

And yes, the entire Underworld is color-graded like this, something so simple and yet effective in communicating the nature of the Underworld and what it stands for - a place where the past lives on through the dead, paused in time, devoid of the vibrant color grading found in Olympus - or "Olympia" as its been named in this retelling - which is, by the way, a visual treat to take in every time it's featured.

(and yes, that is S-tier-companion Billie Piper on the left, but I will not tell you who she's playing, you actually really should go into this show as blind as possible for the thrill of figuring out these characters as they're introduced <3)

That's not even getting into the narrative structure of the plot itself or the phenomenal casting and acting, but again, I don't want to spoil too much as the show is quite new, and I want to actually finish watching the show myself before I get more into the details of its story and how it delivers it (I'm very much hoping I will still be singing this show's praises at the end of its 8 episodes, please for the love of god don't jump the shark, I don't think my heart can take that kind of pain again.)

All that's to say though, Kaos is, so far, exactly what us disappointed fans of LO deserve after all these years, and frankly, I feel like whatever is coming for the LO animated TV show is really gonna have to step up to the plate to both live up to the bar that Kaos has set as well as stand on its own without being affiliated as a cheap Amazon knockoff living in its shadow. Sounds a little familiar and a bit ironic, doesn't it?

[larkingame]

hello all! been a moment since we last discussed some things, so I'm coming online to discuss the progress of Larkin's development and make a few announcements :)

over the last ten months, larkin has gone through a lot of changes, some of which I've documented here--but most of it I've kept pretty private. I realized that over the few short years I've been developing the game, I sort of grew an unhealthy dependence on my presence within the 'interactive fiction' community that I really, really needed to take a step back from and break, all in order to ensure that I could enjoy working on what originally started out as a passion project for me.

since july of last year, I've completely reshaped and rewritten how larkin exists as a project, shifted it's genre and started collaborating with a few others to ensure it can be of the highest quality it can possibly be. uptop, i'd like to mention @tapeworrmart who's taken on the immense task of putting together most of the game art for me, @khiita and @ann1a-1 who have both taken on the roles of my editors (and also sounding boards for when I am being absolutely insane) and my production manager phillip, who without his assistance, larkin would barely exist. with that, let's do a progress report. the intended demo of larkin, or what i've taken to calling 'episode one' (yes, i said, 'episode,' more on that in a minute) has stretched to just over 200k words worth of content. it stretches all the way from the earliest versions of larkin's original prologue, to the end of the original chapter two. so far, we've completed 3 out of the intended 20 character portraits, as well as some more art that's slowly been in development.

now, on to the announcements. probably the biggest, and the one I am most ashamed of is--due to the fact that I've been slammed with graduate school work and some other external factors, Larkin as it currently exists is not the best that I think it can be. I'm deeply sorry for this, but I want to ensure that you all are getting the highest quality game you could get from me--and right now, I know it's just not that. Which is why I am unfortunately, pushing the release of the demo back until Friday, June 14th, 2024. Patrons will be granted access to the most recent edit of the demo two weeks earlier on Friday, May 31st 2024. In the meantime, I will be working day and night (quite literally) to get what I'm dropping on you up to par and something that I'm happy with.

To make up for this disappointment, I'm planning on repopulating the blog with a lot of content over the coming months, rewriting new versions of old asks, posting art and short stories.

Next on the agenda and also an equally important announcement. I'm changing the rating of Larkin to Mature or 18+ As I've been writing these past few months, working through a lot of themes and figuring out the story I want to tell, I've found that I think the change in rating is entirely necessary. While I don't think I've ever had that big of a minor fanbase--I think that this is just what I am most comfortable doing. There has consistently grown a little bit more of gore, and trauma exploration, which is the main reason for this change in rating, but, this does allow for the inclusion of something that I've been toying with since the intial release of the game. There is going to be explicit sex scenes in this new version of Larkin--all of which, you the player are able to opt out of, or completely avoid if that's something you want--but I just thought a little announcement would be warranted. This does not mean however, I am comfortable with answering thoroughly explicit asks or getting unsolicited sexual messages. The goal is to keep this game blog mainly tame.

Please respect this boundary of mine.

Third thing to be announced. I've also changed the format in which Larkin will be released. Rather than around the twenty-five chapters in one of a series of 'Books'/'Games', Larkin will be released episodically over four 'seasons' with eight-ten episodes of around 200k-250k words each (though, this is just an early estimate--they could grow longer, as I'm basing this purely off the demo/Episode One)

Finally and a little bit of a fun note: there are now twelve romance options throughout larkin, five male, three female, one non-binary and three gender-selectable. With those upcoming asks, you'll hear more about each in the coming days :)

With all that being said, I wanted to lastly thank all of you for supporting me over the years and putting faith and your interest in this project. truly, the support of all of you means the world to me and I can't wait to share more of larkin with you all.

thank you 💖

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling mom to stop giving me unhealthy food and then refusing to say "I love you" back?

I (16, FtM) am autistic, for the longest time I struggled with eating different types of foods, in fact, i only started eating vegetables when I was 16 because my nutritionist told me to. Since I have memory, i've been teased by my weight, all my life. It led me to make decisions i'm not very proud of (like getting groomed at 8-9 years old), because of my low self esteem.

I've gone to the nutritionist a total of 2 times in my life, but in my opinion i should've gone more but my parents didn't seem to think the same. Both of those times the doctors told me I was a little overweight. They didn't tell me i was obese or morbidly obese which thank god because I would've broken down and kms (not really but even thinking of getting told that makes me anxious).

They did tell me to start eating more food other than fried food and other type of stuff. After the meeting, my parents started scolding me for embarrassing them in front of the doctor, but all i did was being brutally honest with her! I told her how my parents keep buying flavored water which has at least 2 stamps in it (The government makes it so that companies have to put stamps on their products saying what's exactly in it), so the only source of natural water is the one we boil ourselves, which i drink every time i do exercise. And also how the dinner mom makes is sausages and french fries, it's quick and easy. This last week I've eating that dinner two times and on the weekend i ate fast food for lunch, on Saturday and Sunday which means TWICE. By the end I was so worried i might have to double my exercise next week (so now) to balance it off. I felt really fat on monday so uh not a good feeling.

For my part, I've had this discussion with my P.E teacher, and she agreed to make me play basketball more so i can both exercise at home and more at school other than P.E class. I've also done the effort of eating vegetables (which due to my autism it was very hard at first but I've gotten the hang of it!) And doing more exercise at school.

But even when mom agreed to start feeding me more healthy foods, it's like she gave up. She's gone back to giving me the same lazy foods that are filled with cholesterol and grease, and every time i eat those it makes me feel worried. Tonight was one of those dinners and all i want is to get it out of my system (literally).

I told mom she can't keep feeding me like this if she wants me to lose weight, and she responds by saying "but what can we feed you? You don't eat anything else" which? Fucking excuse me? WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST MONTHS??? She always says that, it's like whenever i eat entire salads she fucking ignores me or something! It makes me feel so angry, fuck my efforts i guess???

I got more angry, but she's my mom, so i decided to shut up. Since i was getting ready to bed once i got comfortable she told me "I love you", which is a normal habit we have every time i go to bed. She says "i love you" i say it back. But this time I didn't, and she just sighed and closed the door.

Right now i'm really mad at her, but i recognize that maybe not saying "I love you" back was a bit too much, but if i have to stop saying it at all for her to understand I want to lose weight, then so be it. If she doesn't want to recognize im the only one doing the effort, whatever. I'm thinking of starting to refuse her food to make myself clear.

What are these acronyms?

[utilitycaster]

what are those 5 things? 👀

Seeing people start admit that maybe Imogen and Laudna did in fact pressure Fearne excessively hard to take the shard. I think it's good Fearne took it in the end, but yeah they really made it difficult for her to express her doubts and that was shitty of them. I got extensive hate for saying that at the time from people who are literally saying the same thing now. It's very funny.

The (entirely valid) complaints I've seen that people care more about imo/dna as a ship than Laudna as a character and are making her book solely about the fact that Imogen will show up in it. I pointed out this exact same problem occurring while Laudna was dead, almost two years ago.

Caleb considering leaving the Nein means they aren't really bonded. Imogen considering leaving Bells Hells means she's so perfect and caring and selfless and noble and good. Anyway yeah sure I definitely believe that if Imogen were a man played by Liam everyone would definitely be totally uncritical and love everything she did. (This is also a layered one, given how Twitter has been bashing Orym nonstop for over a year).

I know it's been a month and I've said this repeatedly so this is a bit tacky but I'm still riding the absolute Irony High of people being like "STOP TALKING ABOUT HUBRIS STOP TALKING ABOUT HUBRIS anyway of COURSE Bells Hells would NEVER see the gods as a messed up family, just like them" and then jump cut to Laudna literally saying that. It's just genuinely so funny that people mad at everyone calling Aeor full of hubris proceeded to get their wax wings straight up vaporized at the top of episode 102.

People calling imo/dna the bestest most organic most slow-burn sapphic ship ever (it's not even the longest slow-burn f/f ship on Critical Role; even if you're stupid enough to count the two years we know virtually nothing about just for the purposes of padding out the time to eliminate Beauyasha on a technicality - nevermind that slowburn is about the length of the story itself and not the length of time the characters have known each other, since it's obvious that if someone said 'here's Jane and Kate, they've known each other for 300 years, now they are kissing' this would not be a satisfying slowburn unless like, you went back and filled in the 300 years - Kimallura STILL wins) but as someone who received a decent amount of harassment for saying it wasn't very interesting and as such kept tabs on the people engaging in that harassment...they've been dropping like flies. If it's the best sapphic ship ever and it's canon and you're in the top 5 ships for the show of all time on ao3 and Delilah's gone and they're going to get their cottage, funny how a good chunk of the shippers haven't even managed to stay interested in CR. Also why are half the people who HAVE kept up like hmmmm what if I threw Fearne or Ashton in there. Like believe me, I support a poly hells situation, but uh. quite a tumble for what people used to call the Beating Heart Of The Campaign (TM).

Bonus! This is below a cut because it has spoilers for next week's Re-Slayer's Take that's only out for Beacon subscribers but

we see Devexian, and he meets Frog (an aeormaton PC) and his overall statement on Aeor is "it created us to serve, and we fought for our autonomy. It was both a beautiful and terrible place. Anyway the past is past, what's important is that we as aeormatons take our chance to live now, and my personal goal is not just to bring back as many aeormatons as I can, but learn how to make more aeormatons." He is completely uninterested, at least in 839 PD, in any sort of action against the gods. Like, I think he regrets the fall of Aeor because a lot of Aeormatons and knowledge died in it but he literally is like "your life is defined by your own choices, not your designation at the time of Aeor." The actual survivors of the fall of Aeor are like anyway, we want acceptance, autonomy, and the means to control our own production in modern day Exandria. Ludinus whomst.

[multifandomfanfic]

you should totally do a messi x daughter fanfic. One where she is in a relationship with Kylian Mbappe’s brother, Ethan Mbappe.

I love you writing btw. it’s awesome. Keep the good work!

A/N: So about this request--seeing as Ethan Mbappe is underage, I'm uncomfortable writing something for him. I'll do the fic with Kylian Mbappe instead, but I'm sorry, I won't do Ethan seeing as he's 16 and barely even legal in France.

I also combined it with this request: "will u make a fan fiction about Messi x daughter in which the daughter is an actress and they all go to a, premiere or an award show where she is nominated (and she wins), with her. Also an after party part will be good!"

Face claim for most photos: Haley Lu Richardson

Messi x daughter!actress!reader (also Mbappe x reader)

yourusername

liked by leomessi, sydney_sweeney, dannyramirez, and 3,328,498 others

yourusername: tiempo familiar, pt. 1

monicabarbaro: this movie better be good if you dyed your hair for it 😭

yourusername: i promise its worth the wait!! chrishemsworth: I can attest to that!

leomessi: Te ves hermosa, cariño! (translated from Spanish: "You look beautiful, sweetie!")

comment liked by antonelaroccuzzo and yourusername yourusername: gracias papa🥺 antonelaroccuzzo: 💕💕💕

neymarjr: obrigado por vir ao jogo, y/n, foi bom ver você de novo! (translated from Portuguese: "thanks for coming to the match, y/n, it was good to see you again!")

yourusername: you too! ❤️ user307: 👀

fanaccount1: how is she so pretty as a blonde and brunette???? she's so lucky

user203: she's literally anto roccuzzo's daughter be fr

user892: my favorite nepo baby

yourusername added to their story

celebritygossip

liked by pierregasly, ethanmbappe, and 837,238 others

celebritygossip: The first photo was posted on @yourusername;s story yesterday morning. The second one was posted by @k.mbappe just hours afterwards. Coincidence? We think not.

user487: i'm not sold at all but i'm glad it's not (possibly) neymar. i was not for the whole age-gap, dad's best friend thing.

fanaccount2: Totally agree. user008: me three, but we really shouldn't have any opinions on who y/n dates. we don't know her. fanaccount3: no one asked you to act all high and mighty.

user918: Y/N could have any man in the world and she choses someone who looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

fanaccount4: She said we'll find out eventually, maybe this is it??

user773: i don't think she meant some random gossip account 'connecting the dots.' we still have to wait

yourusername

liked by leomessi, k.mbappe, glenpowell, and 2,385,019 others

yourusername: "Figures and Strangers" has officially ended production. I would like to thank everyone who I've worked with on this project; you have made every moment of this past year special, and I will remember our time together for the rest of my life.

"Figures and Strangers" is about family, love, and perseverance in the midst of hard times. While I may not have had hard times, the other themes of this movie pertained to my life when I auditioned:

Without my family's unwavering support and direction, I would not be where I am today; seriously, without my father, I wouldn't have been tipped off about Spielberg shooting his first film in Paris, and I would not be typing this today.

A year ago, I had gone on one date with the man I now call my love. Since that day, he has been with me through thick and thin: from nights spent crying over hard-to-memorize lines, to entire weeks when I was hardly home. He saw me through my highs in lows, through enjoying life then doubting every choice I've ever made. Honestly, I believe he's more love and understanding than man. I would have never known the man my father introduced me to would be such a blessing, but I am so glad to call him mine.

And, finally, perseverance: when I heard about this movie, I was still struggling with the notion that all I would ever be was my dad's child. I love my dad with all my heart and all my soul, but seeing myself called "Lionel Messi's daughter" instead of "Y/N Messi" in headlines about my own accomplishments damaged my self-esteem (not to mention all the "nepo baby" comments--yes, I read all of those). Yet, all of this motivated me to work even harder and persevere, as my character in "Figures and Strangers" does. I am glad to say that I am happy with where I stand right now, and I have made myself proud.

Anyways, to wrap this up, I'll quote the ever so wise Winnie the Pooh by saying how lucky I am having something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I am eternally grateful for everything that has happened in the past year because of "Figures and Strangers," and how it has transformed me as a person.

Thank you all again, and I'll see you in the movies.

~ Y/N Messi

leomessi: También nos has hecho sentir orgullosas, Y/N. (translated from Spanish: "You have also made us proud, Y/N.")

yourusername: muchas gracias, papá. te amo más de lo que sabes. ("thank you very much, dad. i love you more than you know.") comment liked by leomessi and antonellaroccuzzo

zoeisabellakravitz: Best Actress nom when

evanpetes: can't wait to see it!

psg: All of us are so happy for you!

comment liked by yourusername, k.mbappe, neymarjr, and leomessi

masonmount: seriously, y/n, congrats on everything. you deserve all the awards.

yourusername: ❤️❤️❤️ fanaccount5: guys???

k.mbappe

liked by celebritygossip, yourusername, chloegmoretz, and 3,389,291 others

k.mbappe: 🖤🤍

tagged: yourusername

chrishemsworth: Had a fun premiere with you both! Here's to more success yet to come!

comment liked by anyataylorjoy, jayrellis, and k.mbappe yourusername: you too!!

antonelaroccuzzo: You look stunning, sweetie 💕

yourusername: thank you mom 🥺🥺

fanaccount6: WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH

user940: how did we NOT see this coming it makes so much sense yourusername: i told you you'd find out eventually 😉

fanaccount7: they're so perfect omg????

user038: my wife and husband

leomessi

liked by yourusername, cmpulisic, leonardodicaprio, and 7,289,064 others

leomessi: (translated from Spanish) I couldn't be more proud of my daughter tonight. I remember the little plays you used to put on with your cousins and brothers, and today I watched you walk across the Oscars' stage to accept the Best Actress award. All of your hard work and dedication has paid off, and you've truly made a name for yourself. Congratulations on everything you've done and will accomplish in the future. I love you very much.

tagged: yourusername

yourusername: i'm going to cry dad! i love you too!

antonelaroccuzzo: We're both thrilled for you, Y/N. You've exceeded our expectations and turned into an incredible young woman.

yourusername: thanks mom!

k.mbappe: proud to call you mine💕

comment liked by yourusername leomessi: Take care of her!

yourusername

liked by k.mbappe, keleighteller, antonelaroccuzzo, and 3,510,389 others

yourusername: can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you

tagged: k.mbappe

k.mbappe: mon amour ❤️

leomessi: The best daughter and son-in-law a man could ask for.

comments on this post have been limited

[megumi-fm]

this fortnight in megumi.fm ▸ bye bye march👋

ft. unchecked ambition to recreate of the hardest Kpop dances (only in vain), lots of code debugging, and using Yeolpumta the wrong way

💻 Internship // progress tracker

-> detecting pockets in protein structures using 3diff pipelines -> finding consensus pockets using outputs of pipelines -> pocket alignment of protein models by structural alignment with a set of known binding site structures -> read base paper -> weekly presentations [2/2] besides these tasks I've been trying to modify all my code files such that they can run directly from the system terminal (i hate edge cases and this entire process has taken years off my life) so that I can upload it on github

🎓 Uni Stuff

-> charted out a timeline for master's applications deadlines and related work

👟 Kpop dances!!

completed! 🔥bye bye ankles ⇒ I'd started this way before I messed up my ankle and then I abandoned it but we are so back... I picked it up last week and finally! it is done. 💪 bts' magnum opus ⇒ the main challenge is ensuring to hit every beat at the right speed and my rendition is still far from refined but hey. atleast my moves have developed some fluidity currently <3 🧢 left, right and just vibes ⇒ really needed a breather after the first two dances and now I'm here xD although the main reason I picked this dance was bc I loved the part switch version and all the references // ✅chorus + prechorus ⚡ crush...ing my motivation ⇒ so much for taking a breather. I've been obsessed with this song and I tried to start learning it and... four seconds- that's how much I've learnt in past three days. but the satisfaction when I got those four seconds? immeasurable. // ✅1st chorus pt1/3

💿 Other Things This week

📅 started my 18day habit challenge! by which I simply mean I'm using Yeolpumta as a daily tracker app rather than a study app and I'm loving it <3 I get excited seeing different colours marked on the daily calendar and as a consequence I've been more productive lately :D 🍊 been eating healthier! lots of fruit and water intake and I've also been learning to cook! 📖 The Myth of Sisyphus <3 I don't read a lot of non fiction but this piece is hella intruiging and I'm having a lot of fun 🍕 Lunch with the besties [x2] 🎰 Gaming Arcade shenanigans yet again 🎆 Fest at Uni! One of the best bollywood singers of all time showed up and he sang bangers from our childhood; we had a blast 🎧 lots and lots of kpop and for some reason I keep coming back to Advice by Taemin

[ 18th - 31st Mar; week 13+14/52 || and with that, 1/4th of this year is done. I'm pretty satisfied with how I how i spent the past two weeks, hopefully I'm able to stay consistent 🤞]

[porcupine-girl]

I realized today that I've been blaming my writing going all to hell on covid. And that's definitely part of it - wisps of brain fog always linger for several weeks afterward, and I find it significantly harder to think of the word I mean for things than it was a couple of years ago.

But I realized today that something else happened at the same time:

I got covid for the first time in July 2022.

And my kid went into 7th grade a month and a half later.

Why is this significant?

Because 7th grade meant switching from elementary to middle school. And while the elementary school had an after school program that meant he got home between 5-5:30pm, the middle school had no such program. He stayed after for clubs, but they were only twice a week for an hour, and not the entire school year. They usually didn't start til October and ended in April.

My brain does not turn on properly until 2-3pm most days. This is just how it works. When I was in grad school (before having a kid, and when my husband lived in another city), I would go to campus and work 3pm-10pm many days, it was great. That is perfect.

Having a kid fucked this up, because suddenly my most productive time of day is filled with dinner and bedtime and such. When he started elementary school with this after school program, that helped because at least I had 2-3 hours a day after my brain turned on and before he got home.

Suddenly middle school is here, and he started getting home by 3:30, 4:30 when he had clubs (which again, was not most days). So suddenly I went from 2-3 hours of work time to an hour at most, and sometimes even when I thought I'd get that hour he'd show up at 3:30 because robotics club got cancelled.

Now high school is the same way - thankfully, his bus ride takes a while (he rode his bike the half mile to the middle school), so even though they get out at 2:30 he doesn't get home until 2:55. But this means I have no work time at all before he gets home and I have to start keeping on top of him to get homework done and practice cello and etc etc etc. The one extracurricular he's done so far, film crew, hasn't even been after school! First they were meeting from 7-9fuckingPM three days a week, then the past few weekends they've been filming 8am-5pm Saturdays & Sundays. Which means I do get time without him on the weekends, but my husband is home and sometimes he's even not working and expects me to do things with him because it's the only chance we get, since he's working most evenings.

So anyhow. I knew this was annoying, but I only realized today how bad it was because I was actually up and medicated and showered and dressed before 2pm (this is a constant struggle on days I don't teach, once again I'd been getting it under control and then covid hit), but I had trouble getting anything done 2-3pm because of the whole but he'll be home in less than an hour, whatever I do I'll have to stop in less than an hour thing that you KNOW renders many of us with ADHD completely useless. And this was the first time I realized that I lost those vital 2-3 work hours every weekday at the exact same time I got covid the first time, and I think that has impacted me more than I'd even realized.

ETA: I should mention that before I got covid the first time, I was actively preparing to query agents for some picture books, as well as about halfway through a middle grades novel, and had published two articles in kids' magazines and was actively querying to get more. Aside from the way my fanfic output has slowed to a trickle, I have made almost NO progress on ANY of these professional writing attempts. What time I do manage to spend on work stuff, I have to use on teaching, because shit will actually happen if I don't get teaching stuff done while if I don't get writing done absolutely nothing happens.

[thecurioustale]

My New Book Is Out! | Tokens of Zeal

My new book is out!

Buy it! Buy it now!

That's right: In secret, on January 2 of this year I began writing a book of essays. Some of you may know that I have an online journal, which I created in the summer of 2003 when I was just 21 years old and have kept up with ever since. For my new book I went back to the journal and read through it, entry by entry, drawing out excerpts of interest that became conversation pieces for 81 various and sundry essays reflecting on my past life and past thoughts.

The essays are short, often very short. They are less challenging than my usual writing, I would say. My purpose was not to advance my personal frontier of philosophy and intellectual thought in 2024, or to reach a niche audience of deep thinkers, but instead to reflect sincerely on some things I've seen along the way and muse upon how my thoughts have changed and stayed the same over twenty years.

I mention this to you because I am a bit worried that anyone who reads this book might think there's not much to me as an author, and might be dissuaded from reading my works of fiction when those books eventually come out, so I'll lampshade that by adding that I wrote this book in two-and-a-half months. Make of that what you will. I told myself I wouldn't self-sabotage the book by needlessly saying negative things about it, and I am proud of it, not only the fact that I finished it at all, let alone so quickly, but of the actual contents too.

This book is "Volume 1" in a hypothetical series, as it doesn't cover the entire twenty years of the journal but only the first four months, from August to November of 2003—at which point the essays had reached "book length" (lol). So really this book is a snapshot of my life in the latter half of 2003. At that time, I was fading out of college due to financial hardship and other issues, and did not realize that I would never (as yet) return.

I have been wanting for years to go back and reread my journal, and writing a book out of it was the perfect impetus to finally do it. I think a few things stand out about the Josh of 2023:

First, my principles have remained remarkably consistent, but my awareness and understanding of the world has grown drastically, and so those same principles have led me over time to some different policy views and worldviews on some things.

Second, I was a 21-year-old arrogant block of cheese, full of hormones and self-conviction, and that definitely shows up at times in ways that I simultaneously am not proud of and yet which I admire for their sheer gall. There is something very magnetic about the old me which doesn't exist anymore.

Third, following up on that point, it was pretty inspiring and encouraging to revisit the old me, with all that native optimism and drive. I don't express those qualities anymore because life has worn me down and also because I have come to recognize that humanity's problems are a lot more stubborn and irremediable than I thought. By glimpsing into the past, I couldn't help but be cheered on by the old Josh's proud, utopian sense of human inevitability. It lifted my own spirits in the here and now!

I made the mistake of announcing the book on Patreon right after I finished writing it, i.e. back in mid-March. Then I had to wring my hands every week about how post-production was taking longer than expected. Between the irritating realities of formatting a book in software not properly equipped to format a book (never write a book in Google Docs), the complexities of my detail-oriented manner and strong vision regarding the cover design (and engaging for the first time ever with modern generative AI, and having to learn those ropes), and sustaining illnesses and other life priorities and so on, it would take me another two months in all to finally reach today, where I can now publicly declare:

The book is done! It is for sale right now. It is called:

Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age

(Caption: Book front cover of Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age, by Joshua Calars.)

You can buy it through Amazon in either paperback or e-book format. (I recommend the paperback version for aesthetics as it is much truer to my design vision for the book's layout and appearance, but my profit margin is actually a dollar bigger with the e-book version, so really just go with whichever version you prefer.) It is available in the US as well as in basically all the other countries that Amazon has expanded its publishing service into. If you need help finding a link to a particular version, give me a ping and I will point you there (if there is a "there" to be pointed to). This is my second published book, following Prelude to After The Hero in 2015, and the first book to be published in print.

If you do read it, first of all thank you! It's an honor that you would take the time. Second of all, I would love any feedback you care to offer. That's not a platitude either; feedback is hard to come by and I really would be interested in anything you have to say, good or bad. You can e-mail me, DM, reblog this, drop an ask, or tag me in an independent post. Whatever you like! Feedback will help me greatly when I eventually get around to writing Volume 2. And feel free to leave a review on Amazon, whether good or bad (though hopefully you enjoy the book); I am told it pleases The Algorithm. But most of all, if you enjoy the book, tell someone about it! Your word-of-mouth is currently 100 percent of my advertising budget, lol.

That's all. I wrote a book; it took four-and-a-half-months; it's done now; and it's the first time I've ever gotten to hold a book that I wrote in my hands as a physical thing, and that's pretty neat.

[textsfromthetva]

WIP Wednesday (it's 2AM, so it counts)

my good ol' friend seasonal depression is really setting in right now. it actually came sooner than usual this year, and I haven't written a goddamn word for weeks. it sucks. for comfort I've been editing my old WIPs, because at least that feels tangentially like writing, you know?

anyway, during this I rediscovered that trippy X-5/Sacred Timeline!Brad Wolfe fic, and it's still pretty good for a first draft! so that's what you're getting. with no context, because explaining what the fuck is going in this fic would take all night. onward!

The parcel arrives by courier, which X-5 finds mildly amusing when he opens it and concludes that it’s something as boring as a movie script. “It’s standard protocol these days,” Brad says. “Industry safety measures, you know.” “In case someone gets a hold of the top-secret plot of-” he squints at the title page. “Zaniac.” Brad shrugs. He’s in the process of cooking a breakfast that’s so late it’s probably brunch by now, hence why he’d made X-5 answer the door. “That’s how it works. The fact that he didn’t make you sign a proof of delivery was a major slipup. I mean, you could be anybody.” X-5 arches an eyebrow. “Yeah, we look nothing alike.” Brad laughs quietly and starts piling food on their plates, just as the kettle starts whistling on the stove. “Did you learn to fake my signature though, darling?” As a matter of fact, yes, yes he did, and he’s getting good at it too. Which isn’t something Brad needs to know, and lying to him is getting difficult, so X-5 changes the subject instead. “So what’s it about?” he asks, sitting down by the kitchen table. Brad puts a plate in front of him and pours him a cup of tea. X-5 thanks him with a nod. “Think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” he replies as he sits down himself. “Kinda.” X-5 flips open the script and starts scanning a random page in the middle, absentmindedly picking up a piece of toast. “It’s a horror movie,” he concludes after a page and a half. “It’s not,” Brad insists. “It’s an elevated thriller.” X-5 snorts. “God you’re pretentious.” “No, the producers are pretentious.” He takes a sip of his tea. “Look, it’s not high art, but it has the potential to really cement my name in the public consciousness. People love this stuff.” “You’re already famous,” X-5 points out. “You can always get more famous,” Brad says. “And the production company is going to try to build a whole franchise, multiple mediums and all that. This apartment doesn’t pay for itself, you know.” He pauses, then cracks a smile. “Plus, I’m currently living with someone who is putting my grocery budget to the test.” X-5, who had been in the process of shoveling scrambled eggs into his mouth, goes perfectly still. “I’m joking, darling,” Brad says, gently reassuring. “It’s flattering, that you like my cooking. I’m assuming you’re not used to good food.” “I’m not,” X-5 admits. Another thing the TVA really doesn’t prioritize.  “Well, that’s in the past now. Feel free to take advantage of your improved circumstances.”

I had forgotten how utterly fond I am of Sacred Timeline!Brad Wolfe, a character I made up entirely in my own head. I just think he's neat.

[lambhouse]

art block & burnout (and how i deal with it)

so i've been kind of Going Thru It lately, but then again who hasn't? life's kind of been an ongoing shitslide these past few years. and i can't say it's only now starting to catch up to me, because that would be a bald faced lie, but i think i've finally reached the point where i realize that for real, no cap, or whatever the kids say these days, change starts with me.

what does that mean, you ask? and what does it have to do with burnout and drawing?

well, i've been at my lowest for two years and counting now. i've had bouts of creativity and whole entire weeks of being productive and drawing like a machine and just generally being high on life, but those were just spikes of activity on an otherwise flat line. and i've been flatlining for months now. i know i'm due for a high at some point (it's how these things go), but this time i decided to get ahead of it and start building up some good habits so that when the next low hits, it won't be as hard.

this, at its core, isn't anything new or revolutionary and i can't say the tips/advice i have are universally applicable, but they will hopefully give you an idea of where to start, or at least give you a different perspective on how to go about applying any of the general art advice you see out there.

so without further ado, here is how i did this:

i started a new sketchbook last month. that, in and of itself, isn't a big deal; the big deal is that i kept up with it for a month straight. tomorrow is the actual 1-month anniversary (lol) of my daily drawing habit.

that's not particularly impressive either, not even for me. i've had periods where i drew regularly -- not 7 days a week regularly, but 3-4 days in a row every week and i kept that going for weeks. but i wasn't going through burnout at the time, and that's what makes this such an important milestone for me.

how i started:

it was rough, lol. looking back at this now i can see it's not a terrible first drawing but i remember how fucking stressed i was the entire time. my hands were shaking, i kept erasing and redrawing, i added color thinking it would make it look better, i even tried drawing from reference (the DRDs and the very faint flower in the corner) but i didn't have enough patience to really look at my references. overall it was a miserable experience.

but something good did come out of it, because i realized two things:

i was too mentally drained to draw from imagination, and

drawing in pencil hindered me more than it helped

now, drawing from imagination was what i always wanted to do and i could do it well enough and consistently enough when i was feeling good. but the whole reason i decided to build a habit like this was so i wouldn't have to depend on the whims of my brain chemistry anymore.

so drawing from reference it was. good thing i already had a pinterest board full of portrait references. i added about a hundred more to it that first night, just to have more variety, and that was enough to get me excited for the next drawing session.

now, the pencil thing. that's a bit tricky to explain and i can't promise it'll work for you as well as it did for me, but i think it's worth a shot.

the way it works for me is, the pencil is too easy a tool to use. even if you make a mistake, you've got an eraser and a million do-overs (or as many as your paper holds up to). so if i draw and erase and redraw the same line over and over again, at some point that starts to mean that there's something wrong with me, that i'm a shit artist, and what's the fucking point of doing it if i've basically got all the training wheels i need and i still can't draw this fucking eye right, or the mouth still looks weird, or the face is wonky. if the paper's good and the pencil lead is good quality and the eraser does its job well and still the drawing looks like shit, well, who's to blame for that? me.

i knew from the start that this was where i was headed if i decided to draw in pencil. even the very first sketches i did were in colored pencil, which is a step up in difficulty from regular graphite (they can be erased, but not completely). but obviously that didn't work as i had hoped, so more drastic measures were required.

so i decided to just rawdog it. i ditched the pencils entirely and took my tombow pens out of retirement. i only had five and two of them were different shades of pink, so not a lot of room to play with colors-as-values, but i made do. the three figures that look like they were drawn in pencil were actually drawn with the grey pen.

now this may seem counterintuitive. if erasing and redrawing stresses me out so much, how does drawing directly in pen make it better? isn't that just more stress?

yes and no, but mostly no. the way i rationalized it is, i can't make a perfect pen drawing even at my absolute best. there's just no way. but i can eventually arrive at a perfect pencil drawing, through a lot of trial and error and frustration, so why not take all of that out of the equation? frustration never helped me get better, it was just a creative sinkhole. so why not get rid of it? turn the possibility of failure into a certainty and work with or around that new certainty.

cut out the middleman, so to speak.

and it fucking worked.

-- for full disclosure, i've drawn in pen before. i started on a whim a few years ago and found it pretty liberating, so i kept doing it.

these are some of the first sketches i did in pen. they're pretty good, but as you can see from the date at the bottom, these were from before the Great Calamity of 2020 happened and everything went to shit. --

back to the thing.

so drawing in pen worked wonders to loosen me up and keep me going with the challenge -- or the building of a new habit. it certainly helped that i was also drawing portraits from reference and didn't have to think about poses, or features, or expressions -- they were all already there for me to draw.

not having to think about any of that also meant i had more energy to put into other things, like shading and coloring and how to simplify and stylize complex forms.

(i also got some poscas and four new watercolor makers. they weren't necessary for the process, but they were a nice treat.)

so i kept drawing. two days turned into three, into five, until i had a full week of daily drawings under my belt.

i hit a snag on day 8. (no pictures because (1) its fucking embarrassing, and (2) it's an oc design for a thing i'm still cooking and it's in the earliest of stages where the characters don't even have names.) i have a pretty good idea why day 8 was such a miss: i got overconfident. day 7 was a draw from your imagination day and it went well enough i thought i could do it again the next day. lol nope.

so i went back to my reference board for the next couple of days, but i had gotten a taste of true freedom (drawing from imagination -- and in pencil!) and i wasn't feeling the portraits anymore.

the next couple of days after that were rough (again -- no pictures bc uncooked oc's) but all the drawing from reference i did the week before had done me good. i had the willpower to keep going despite being unhappy with my drawings. they weren't bad drawings per se, but i was using my newly-found oc-drawing muscles and there were bound to be some growing pains. i was also drawing in pencil but by that point i had gotten used to making mistakes so i wasn't stressed about having to erase over and over.

(i don't think i actually erased all that much, tbh. i was instead using a blending stump to mask the wobbly lines.)

day 15. i didn't set out to draw one page a day but that's what ended up happening so i just went with it. i also only had an hour or two to draw and that's how much i was able to get done in that amount of time. slow and steady wins the race, i guess?

day 19 was i think the first time i drew in pen from imagination in a long time. i was also watching some vtuber drama nonsense on youtube and it got me thinking about making my own vtuber model. idek what a vtuber is or does but the process of making a model from scratch sounds interesting. (its also very time-consuming, i hear.)

anyway.

actual cooked oc's this time + a page of raziel drawn from memory to celebrate the news of the soul reaver prequel graphic novel that's in the making. (apparently dave rapoza is gonna do the cover art for it??)

and this is now turning into an art diary, but you get the gist. i kept going.

and going.

and going.

even when it wasn't fun. even when i didnt' feel like it. and maybe i havent built the habit all the way through yet, but the more i kept going the more i noticed how the "i don't feel like it" feeling became less and less intense.

it hasn't gone away completely. its 10pm now as i'm writing this and i know i have to open up my sketchbook and draw and tbh i don't really feel like it, but it's less that i'm drained and more like "but what if i fuck up a perfectly good page?"

and i know how to deal with that. i pick up a pen and fuck it up on purpose, and then i look at what i have and start problem-solving.

because that's what gets me through it.

not having a clear, concrete problem to tackle is what kept me stuck in limbo for so long, it's what's at the core of my burnout. you'd think creating more problems on purpose would make the burnout worse, but it got me out of the black hole of indecision and anxiety. because if it's something that i made, it's something i can unmake. it's something i can fix.

so i'm fucking fixing it, one step at a time.

[atrashcanraccoon]

this is a product of my inability to stop imagining and a lot of brain beating because college isn't going easy on me.

inspired by a prompt on instagram that had me feral with the possibilities.

also yes, i'm putting it up in parts bc it's more fun that way. this is a cleaned up, edited ver. of what i've posted on IG.

happy reading <3 (under the cut)

"I haven't seen him in a few days, but that's like, normal for him, it's not a big deal, he'll show up when he wants to," said the hero's love interest, as she tucked her hair behind her ears and looked at her lover in confusion. "He does this all the time, right?"

The hero hummed in agreement. "I should've known that he's gonna pull something like this. Let's hope the idiot resurfaces with his dumb jokes sooner than later."

The comic relief hasn't been meeting his friends for a week now. If you ask, the hero would tell you that comic was pretty unpredictable and he goes off grid for days on end. Hero's love interest would tell you that despite being best friends, Comic and Hero didn't exactly meet each other often (is it because Hero never really had time for his friend? Is it because Comic never really felt appreciated by Hero? We'd never know, but Hero's lover had her doubts).

The last time Hero and his lover had seen him was on their two year anniversary. Comic had helped Hero organise a little picnic and a pillow-fort-movie date after. That afternoon, Comic had bid goodbye to the couple and told them that he'd be busy the entire next week because apparently 'the education system is a conman and we're all being scammed'.

Hero hadn't thought much about Comic's inactivity, seemingly used to it, but as texts from his best friend were also far and few in between, he grew worried. His lover took great pains to assuage his fears but the only thing that really helped with the stress was fighting Villain.

Villain was an enigma. His motives were virtually unknown, considering the man always kept spewing bullshit about how he loves a little touch of public nuisance because it's fun. Hero's main vendetta against Villain was due to the latter's penchant for being an annoyance to society. Villain had once set fire to all the staff rooms of the city's schools at night, forcing the institutes to shut down for a week for a renovation. The media uproar was insane and Hero was hounded by journalists for weeks because of his late arrival to the scene of crime (not his fault- he had assignments to finish. Post-graduate studies aren't easy. Real life sucks).

Time went on and so did Villain's terror- and in a bid to protect the city from him, Hero devoted more time and resources to attempt capturing him. Somewhere, even Hero forgot that he hadn't heard from Comic in over a month.

That evening, after his latest stunt (minor bank robbery, because the manager had challenged every criminal in the city by bragging about his brand new security measures and Villain loves taking annoying people down a notch), he returned to his lair, feeling hopelessly empty, of sorts. Of course, the fight with Hero was everything he needed to scratch the itch that'd been taunting him for days, but something was missing.

He pulled up the news coverage of that day's mayhem. Something.... something is missing. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

His thoughts screeched to a halt when he noticed the lack of someone's presence. Almost in a frenzy, he began opening tabs of footage and media coverage of his fights with the hero of the past month. He's - Comic- what? Where's Comic? What?!

Villain would be the first to admit that apart from the occasional lawlessness and laying waste to the city (because property damage is infinitely more satisfying than bodily harm), his main source of childlike joy was seeing Hero gawp like a fool when his friend, the comic relief exchanged beautiful quips with Villain. He also wouldn't exactly tell you this, but the sheer glee of meeting someone who gives as good as he gets is unparalleled.

Like this one time, amidst a cute little Italian bistro that was then in ruins after the initial scuffle, Villain was delivering his prepared monologue because Hero actually gives him time to speak (which, personally, he thinks is fucking stupid). He'd just finished making a powerful statement about serving real justice when Comic had blinked, and giggled (the cute guy giggled) then said, "The only thing you're serving right now is spaghetti with a side of bloodied shoulder. I don't see how that's a good look on you."

Hero had then tried to shush his friend, a horrified look on his face, but Comic gave him a face that suggested that he's taking none of that and then proceeded to stare into Villain's soul, a goofy smirk gracing his face.

That was it. Villain was falling in love.

Not a day goes by where Villain hopes that he could ask the cute funny guy out on a cute little date without the whole 'i'm a bad guy and you're the good guy's best friend-slash-comic-relief' situation.

But fact remained that Comic hadn't been seen for over a month and as far as Villain was concerned, that's a month too long. He growled to one of his men, "Get me the city's surveillance footage of the past month."

The henchman was confounded. "But sir, I don't see why-"

"I don't pay you to question me, boy, do what I said. Now!" he barked, his displeasure and confusion shining through. The henchman (his name is Steve) slowly backed away and was leaving with a frown.

Maybe I was too harsh. With this thought in his head, Villain called out, "Steve, my good man, forgive me for snapping at you."

Steve bowed his head almost reverentially and smiled. "Don't ask for forgiveness sir, I respect you immensely. I will get you the footage you require."

"Thank you, Steve. If you could hurry."

Villain sighed, not knowing what to think or expect. He understands the impasse he's at - his rival's best friend is missing, but Hero seemingly doesn't give a shit, or he's unaware (debatable). The only one who was mildly concerned was Hero's girl and Villain's sure that even she'd given up. He doubts that Hero has any other friends, making it weirder that he's not turning the city upside down looking for his best friend.

It's almost like he's the only one who is trying to do something about all this, albeit late.

Steve came back with a tablet with the footage and handed it to Villain. "Do you need me to get you anything else, sir?"

"A cup of tea, no sugar, please."

"Yes sir, right away."

Villain settled down to examine the footage. It was gonna be a long night.

\\\

this was part one, lmk what you think (ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

[bekandrew]

Queer Mutual Aid

I've asked for help recently, but we didn't get fully out of the hole yet and it's getting worse. I'm physically disabled and have debilitating PTSD which have made it hellish to find and keep work, particularly outside the house. I've been very ill for most of this past year, including a bout of sepsis where I nearly died. So even my attempts at self-employment have been... less than fruitful overall. I'm also visibly queer/trans in the Deep South, US. We should have been out of the hole this past week, except rent raised to ridiculous because HUD decided I'm not disabled by their standards (?????) so none of my medical expenses count. And I had to put all that aside first so it wouldn't actually get spent on anything. Wife's the one with an actual job outside the house. It pays over minimum but not much more, and not enough for two people to live safely on (especially with my medical expenses). They also have mental disabilities that need to be evaluated that we're only now getting some access for them. Hopefully. Wife's still without a phone currently. They got ripped off by the repair shop they went to and we ended up having to order a new phone anyway because it ended up being cheaper than the further repairs the shop wanted to make on the still not-working phone.

Because Wife is without their phone, they're locked out from the super duper secure government website like food stamps applications. Which we were in the process of when phone broke. We don't have money for groceries. We're nearly out and wife doesn't get paid for another week and a half. We had to entirely skip a planned grocery run. I've already been skipping meals for a while. We're about $90 short for our electric bill due tomorrow. I thought I paid it already. But nope, I hadn't figured in the past due amount when I paid. I'm unsure if we have money for me to make it to both my doctor's appointment on the 29th and the Vocational Rehab assessment on the 4th. I need to pay Uber fare since I can't drive. $55 should give enough padding for both trips and anything else would go toward food. I already rescheduled a post-surgical evaluation, which thankfully wasn't urgent, to a time wife will just be able to drive me. We've been trying to get permission to move my cousin in and applying for various other aid to relieve the situation, but bureaucracy's not been moving fast enough. I have a tip jar, art prints, ttrpg products, and linked commission info at linktr.ee/bekandrew

[shyfoxsky]

Photos by bluesgrass on DeviantArt and Voyageurs Wolf Project

As stated in my previous update post, I've been struggling to really find myself in a coat coloration, as it's difficult to find what I see in my mind's eye in photographs. I flip-flop between describing myself as a gray wolf with a red wolf's coat while understanding I will never find that and editing existing tawny-colored wolves to look red. At the end of the day, I think I find the most luck by grasping onto a select few individuals, and I thought of this as a good place to show off some of those individuals.

The first photos are of a wolf in a facility. There are other images from this photographer of this very wolf that are extremely common and seen pretty regularly in our own community with deep red fur all over and an almost black mask and back. I've always seen this wolf as one alike myself in appearance, but the more common photos of it always felt so edited, like if you saw it in real life, you wouldn't recognize it. The ones I've chosen to show here feel far more like me. I see myself more with a dark back and mask, but with a lot of prominent red around the ears and muzzle. Unlike the shown photos though, I see my mane, sides, and tail also carrying this red, rather than the tawny that this individual has.

The next set of photos show a wolf in the wild. I don't remember if these are all the same individual or not, but it's safe to say I love this group for the photos they get. They seem to always have this warmth to the fur of their subjects that make me feel like I'm looking at myself. Again, there's often a dark back and mask, but these also have the red going from muzzle to tail, which is why I feel so connected to it.

Images from Alibaba and eBay

I can't deny that my self-image is likely so rare because it is a product of photo editing or lighting and camera differences, but I like to think it's entirely possible. Boltz from the Wolf Conservation Center, for example, I felt was pretty similar to my own coat. Though, the main place that I've found a good general vision of myself is in plushes of red wolves. The images I've included are of plushes that I have my own of at home, and they are both easily some of my favorites of all time. Their very saturated and warm colors throughout their bodies, unbroken by gray or tan, feels very much like me, and while I don't think I actually carry reds and gingers like the plushes, likely more of an auburn mixed in with brown and black accents across the complex coat a wolf would have, they are a great starting point for me, and I find myself thinking of them when I try to imagine my pelt when creating art of myself or describing myself to others.

Long post short, I say all of this to get my thoughts out about how my coat has consumed my mind for days, weeks, months, even years. It's a weird, complex thing that mixes in with my own human body, the mixing of my identity as multiple kinds of wolves, gray and red, my past experiences with red foxes, and my youth full of wolf OCs and a community with a lot more members using "unrealistic" images to show others how they feel inside. I don't know if I'll ever have a concrete self-image, but I think that's okay. I don't think I ever need to know, as long as I'm content in myself. Simply saying I'm a "red-furred wolf" is enough the vast majority of the time, and that's good enough for me.

[mimbotomy]

14, 17, 28!

These were surprisingly hard lol

14: what’s something you’ve always wanted to do but maybe been to scared to do?

Snowboarding! But my reason is really weird lol. My dad is a former ski patroler and current ski bum, so I first learned how to ski when I was a toddler. Twenty plus years later and I don't think I'm that much better than when I started, although I do love skiing. I want to try snowboarding because the boots look so much comfier, but I never have because I got stuck in my head and started worrying that if I like snowboarding more than skiing, 1) my dad will be disappointed in me, which I logically know isn't going to happen, or 2) I will feel guilty for liking snowboarding over skiing, which seems more likely because I have issues lol. So I stick with skiing!

17: name 3 things that make you happy

The obvious answers are my husband and dog and friends and family, but I have some less basic ones too.

that my husband finally learned how to cook tri tip which is really going to up our burrito game

that my manic episodes might suck but at least I get some good artistic productivity out of them

that I recently discovered that weighted heating pads exist and I've been in a lot less pain that usual the past week

28: do you collect anything?

Besides the various anxieties I've collected over the years, I've been collecting animal sculptures and figurines my entire life. Mostly elephants and turtles, but my collection is pretty big and I have a bunch of other animals too. Unfortunately, most of it is pretty fragile and still packed away because I moved last month, but here's a small portion of my collection!

More questions found here if you want to get to know me!